Thursday, July 28, 2011

An Angry Blog... &^%$@%^#$%^* ??

WARNING ! WARNING!: For mature audience only! Contains atrocious words and profanities. Also, this product is meant for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely .......

Before I start ranting this stupendous thought, I would like to say hi to all my readers after a long long hiatus. Yeah .. The last time I posted was way back in the BC. Since then, there has been some significant changes in my life: I got a new house, new job, a wife (new), and a new passion to win the "Worlds' Laziest Ass" competition!! Needless to say, every time during these last few months I opened my blogger account, each time I had the most incandescent idea to write about something! And as a result, today I have a collection of some 7-8 so called "start up blogs".. each spanning a line or two of my deranged imagination. ....BUT THIS ONE I find, was actually "almost" completed a long time back! In fact the date shows that it was a Saturday night and if I remember correctly ..I was a "bit" intoxicated


While cleaning up my Gmail Inbox some days back, I stumbled upon a treasure trove of thousands of forwarded emails , dating back to 2006 !! I think back in 2006-2007 almost every alternate email that reached my Inbox was a forward sent by someone! Must agree that it was always fun (and rarely helpful) to read SOME of them but most of the time it was pure shit forwarded by some naive person who thought that not doing so would bring him / her crappy luck.
Please note: I have always been A narcissistic douche bag, when it comes to forwarding emails, and therefore, in most cases, declined to return back the favor and share the "joy" of these emails with my friends. In fact there were hardly a few which could actually entertain me.... the rest induced a Rambo like rage in me %^&$%$#&

Here's a flavor of what I unearthed from my Inbox. To be politically correct I will leave it to your imagination to decide which ones I might have liked and which faced the guillotine (delete button):

- Vinod Kambli's wife looking the sluttiest ever.

- Some weirdo's apocalyptic imagination of how the year 3000 would look like, and am not talking about the animation email. (apparently some psychos liked the cluttered skies filled with flying "you-name-it" objects, cars that look like condoms and buildings resembling concentration camps .. and decided to share it with every human being on earth!!!)

- A social message from a dear friend who wanted to warn his fellow dickhead friends (including myself) about the perils of swimming and sun-bathing naked when you are a guy: A news article which talks about an unlucky dumb sucker who got his testicles entangled between 2 slats in a deckchair while sunbathing!!!! The article goes on to explain how swimming naked shrunk them and so they slid through and then how sunbathing brought them back to their normal size.... resulting in a "Got you by the balls!!" situation ( YEAH i DID SAVE THIS ONE .. AND WILL UPLOAD SOON IN FACEBOOK)

- Then someone found pictures taken inside the ill-fated Air France jet, that crashed into the Ocean, minutes before it crashed!! Forces me to think that some people may be utterly obsessed with uploading pics in their Facebook's "Mobile Uploads" album!

- Oh ! And how can I not mention about the plethora of "Myth-buster" emails!... An epic (from one such mail) that I would like to mention here is: "Unlike the general perception, Horses do not have the biggest dicks in the animal kingdom!" (Dont Ask me that stupid question which you are thinking about .. I DONT KNOW)
Wow! really! Thats a Myth-buster!! Some people care about that!!!!....You know what would really suck.. I mean really really suck? Being a Horse with a small p***s. Can you imagine the constant looks of disappointment you would get every time you got down to business? You would always get an, "Oh. I was expecting something. . . well . . . different."
The forward also blamed "some unrealistic movies" (wtf???) for creating this myth. Really! Thanks to that unsung hero (or heroine?) who decided to dispel the myth by initiating the worlds most irritating email that ended up in the mail box of a grumpy bastard like me!!

- And now, BEFORE the "last but not the least" in this illustrious list, comes the type that includes all those:
"cute", "awwwwww", "its so fucking sweet", "angels", "bad people suck", "serve the world", "soaps are made from human fat", "tearjerker stories for jerks", "do not walk on the street..crows are shitting grenades" !!! etc etc etc .......
.... in short the most incredibly meaningless and useless forwards with subject lines that ranged from "MUST READ" to " DUDE YOU WILL DIE OF ANAL ELECTROCUTION IF U DONT OPEN THIS SHIT" (ok that was made up)...

- That space above is to signify the importance of this last breed of forwards which I am gona talk about now. I call them "Furritatobnoxious" thats FUcking iRRITATing OBNOXIOUS!!!^&$*%&#%^@#
....These are the ones which always TRIED to make you feel the most abhorrent, mean, ignoble bastard ever on earth... because you are just too lazy to forward it to some 1000 people!
Am talking about the ones that TRIED to make me suffer in guilt for not sending out 50 billion forwards sent to me by people who actually believed that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl the "shittiest place on earth ever", with the crappiest disease, brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad man who kidnapped her while she was in play school, to save his 2 month old Japanese Poodle from dying of a heart ailment that it developed while watching the scariest movie on earth........ will get 6 f**king cents every time they send me the letter!!!!
I always wanted to ask: Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How freaking stupid are you?

I admit that I did it once. But then, that email promised that If I scroll down the page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog!!!!!!..... Now, since am still writing this stupid blog from a half-dead computer... it proves that nothing happened !

That was just a glimpse of what we all went through some years back when forwarded emails were a rage!

..... Well......... I did delete a lot of them and did save some! ... AND I will confess that I do miss some of those good forwards once in a while! They would always make the inbox more interesting. Am sure if you go back and take a look at your mail-boxes you will find how often you used to receive all these forwards and how their numbers went down over the years! The philosopher in me asks the question: Is it because we are getting busier by the day? Is it because people dont care about that little girl anymore? or Is it just the amount of junk that we all deal with everyday that we dont like anymore of it in our mailboxes?? ..... OR is it that no one wants to share their joy anymore ??????
Whatever it is.... trust me ...Its fun to go back and take a look at some of them .... and more fun to delete some with vengeance! ... and even more to talk about them like I did! (the easiest way to write a blog!)

P.S. Please don't be angry at me for using profanities. Also, please don't curse me for my views (specially if you remember what you had forwarded). AND Please please dont remove me from your forwarding list (if you think its a good one!)
Comments are always appreciated :) :)..