1-C

DISCLAIMER: Those who are new to my blog, please read the small definition of my blog above. That might help you understand why I wrote this. Secondly, am sure many of you wont like this. So, I would really appreciate if you could write down your criticisms in the comments section. Finally, 98% of whats written below is true , its upto you to figure out the rest 2%. And lastly, the title of this blog is inspired by Leon Uris's QB-7. If you are unaware of QB-7 than never mind!
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PART I: THE CAUSE

It was Nov 29th 2008 , a bright sunny day, and I was on my way to the JFK International Airport, to drop off my girl friend who was flying back to India. With the infamous NY traffic always at the back of my mind, I tried to cover up as much time as possible before we cross the state border and enter New York. Now here I need to mention the car that I was driving, because it's the main protagonist in this story. I was driving a Chevrolet Impala LS with a 3.5 L V6 engine, which had been on the road only for 6 months! And for someone who drives a V4 Toyota Camry everyday, it was quite an adrenalin rush!

So, here I was on I-84 and along with many others, was going at about 85-90 mph (the limit on this stretch has been 58-65 mph for years!). Although am a very sober guy with just a few ounces of hooliganism (which is exposed after 8-10 shots only) and although I had no intention to cross the speed limit by more than 10 mph, but yet I did it , and I sincerely think that the damn CAR is to be blamed!!!. Because had it been my old horse, it would have warned me once I go beyond 75 mph with its characteristic mild vibrations!!

Just as we crossed a town called Waterbury, the car in front of me slowed down (I was on the left lane!). Its frustrating to be on the left lane and go at a snails pace! So I lean on the gas a little to pass him, and I'm back on my merry way.

That was it ! the moment I cut the old man or may be a Chinese (that's a guess coz he was below the limit!), I could hear a squad car behind me and then could see the 100 flashing lights from 1 car ( a waste in itself!). Immediately, my GF gives me the biggest "I told you so... " speech of all time. I already felt like the biggest bonehead in the world. I thought I was screwed. ....
Needless to say that I didnt want my birth certificate to be useless from that day, and so like a law abiding driver, I stopped.

"Sir, you were doing 85 on a 58! whats your problem?"

"Dyslexia!" .. .. I wish I could say! Instead came the reply "Oh! really ! am sorry about that!" (yeah right it should have been 'short term memory loss' instead of dyslexia!)

"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

That was my LESSON# 1 : Never F*** around with cops ... coz you never know which one turns out to be intelligent!

Anyways, despite my best puppy dog eyes, he takes my license goes back to his car , makes me wait for 10 mins (I had all sorts of thought in those 10 mins- from license cancellation, to jail to being deported) while the "I told you to .." speech continued in the background ...
Finally after the most painful 10 mins he comes back with the infamous "pink slip" .. a $ 400 ticket ! My offenses: "going 85 in a 58 zone"- $300 and "passing on the right!!!!!!!!!" $ 100. This second offence made me realize that USA still have officers who watch a lot of "Imandaar Police officer" movies!

"You can either pay the amount in full or contest the ticket in court, sir", said the man in uniform.

PART II: THE EFFECT

With two options in hand, I selected the the second one i.e to go to the court and try and reduce the amount of money I had to pay. A lot of thoughts, discussions, tips and advices finally led me to this decision. I was almost termed as a psycho who walks in the corridors of the health center building and stops any known face and asks "Did you ever get a speeding ticket? Did you defend it? ...". To my surprise everyone seemed to have an idea about speeding tickets!! Even the guy whose stories of delaying people by being in the car in front of them are legendary .... had something to tell me bout speeding tickets !!!! Thank god .. human beings are so very helpful!
Beside all these what really led me into this decision was the fact that according to reliable legal analysists, for every idiot who wins a case, thousands of other imbeciles don't make it that far!!!!!

So I finally got a hearing date on March 6th 2009 .... after 3 months of my crime! In those 3 months, I always had the fear of being busted even when driving on the most nondescript streets in town!
And, despite some very ingenious advices like "Dont show up and they will forget the case" or "Tell them that it was a racial discrimination" (yeah right... when the cop himself was an african-american !!! ), I went to the court with a PLAN. the plan was to tell the judge that I was "over the limit" because of the following reasons: The car, My "first" drive on the highway, my GF's flight to India (I got the boarding pass scanned from her) and then to request him to reduce the charges.

Never in my life I had been to any kind of courtroom before! So naturally the moment I entered court room 1-C, I was a little disappointed! Why? .. because I could not find much similarity between this one and the one I had in my mind (as seen in movies)! So I was kind of "not feeling at home" ! Looking around I couldnt see any scary convict in chains or any judge wearing that funny headgear ! Instead it was a big hall , more like a church, and in place of jesus there was a small dais with 3 simple chairs and a table (without any occupant). And on the right, below the dais there was this 50 something man with a bunch of files (he was the hearing officer). My sense of guilt was considerably reduced when I found that there were almost 100s like me who had similar tickets! And that included some hot babes , elderly ladies, suited-booted gentlemen and snobbish asses!!!!!

Anyways, after waiting for about 15 mins, finally the time came! It was my first and last chance to explain to the officer that unavoidable circumstances literally forced me to cross the speed limit by 27 mph !!!

So, as previously planned and rehearsed, I started:

" Sir, I agree that I was going over the limit but am here to explain that it was completely un-intentional. I was delayed for the airport .. blah blah ... not driving my car .. blah blah ... the car in front of me slowed so I just tried to cross him hence pressed the gas .. blah blah .. its not that I was speeding all throughout ..and finally (with those puppy dog eyes) .. I am a grad student and cant pay the amount .. "

"Am sorry to hear that !!!!!" .... wow ! my trick was working, I thought !

"But unfortunately, you started late for the airport hence you got delayed, ... you chose the car, ... and if you cant look at the speedometer while you drive , I must send you to the driving school once again! Also, the officer had been following you for over 600 fts before he stopped you .... again you didnt notice that ! You didnt show any respect and further pressed on the gas !!!!!!!!!! "

LESSON# 2: Always show respect to the cops

... I could feel my stomach .. again the jail > being deported etc etc scenes were coming back !!!! ...

AND then the final blow:
"You know, you should have paid the full amount .. that would have saved you from getting a point in your license because a point in your license means your insurance will go up .. and its a recurring expenditure!!!" ....

The final Verdict: Pay $ 130 , go home .. with a point in your license.

While coming back, as I crossed that same spot where I was ticketed 3 months back, I told to myself, "Thank god! the speed radar was not accurate! otherwise 90mph would have been a 'reckless driving' charge" !!!!!

LESSON# 3, 4, 5, 6: ... Don't look for small profits ... think long term ! Learn to identify squad cars ! Have your GF sitting beside you and not in the back seat ! AND ALWAYS REMEMBER - for every idiot who wins a case, thousands of other imbeciles don't make it that far!!!!!

The Year That WASN’T

Before You read : This is crap, complete crap... Although some parts are not e.g the first para (err! a part of it). It is not meant to hurt or demean anyone. In case u are hurt .. pls dont let me know. And finally - after I finished this .. I realize that its boring, but please if possible.. hang on till the end. Lastly ... pls do read the definition of my blog above .. if you are a first timer here .
This is the Year that wasn't....

I didn’t get drunk at the beginning of 2008. On Jan 1st, 2008, 12:01 am, I was with my parents at Kolkata. A peaceful beginning.. Isn’t it? But despite the delicious food … the jobless and hence tension less life … and obviously the fact that there was no “do your laundry” routine, Me the nerd still managed to catch one of those crappy trans-atlantic flights to head back to “Bush-land” (for those of u who came in this world not long ago … its now called “Obama-Land”) sometime in the middle of January. The flight didn’t have even a single remotely good looking air-hostess contrary to the perceived notion that all air-hostesses are pretty!!

Back in the USofA from home.. I thought.. “Man ... I was just waiting for this day!!” .. felt great !! And hence I was all excited to start working right away! I felt sad that I didn’t take any work with me and hence didn’t do anything during the long 1 month break.

The weather was very nice in the mid of January.. Warm and bright.. the beaches were full … and you could walk even without a shirt on !

The first few months in 2008 were un-eventful. April saw me visit the West coast.. SD and LA .. but could not make it to SFO or LV. The purpose was a conference and as you correctly guessed : I hardly had any time to see around LA and SD. But guess what.. I just loved attending all those talks and participated in every single discussion!

While I was working hard here, back home in India space scientists devised a way that would cut their workloads into half : dumping 10 satellites into the space in 1 go !! The world applauded.. and as Indians we thought … if that’s a record then we should have been in the record books long ago: for .. the maximum number of people travelling in a train compartment / bus / boat etc etc . It wasn’t a great achievement.. we do it everyday!!

The month was April and summer was approaching …and so was the “prelims” (that’s a PhD lingo.. for further details contact the writer). So finally it came.. and went .. I didn’t even feel a pinch ! Just wrote a few nonsense lines, on a crumpled sheet of paper and that was it .. prelim was over !!

Although every year the summer in India start from march onwards, but as you all know 2008 was different. The whole country was shivering … it was cold.. and everyone talked about climate change . But then sometime around July, some NGO run by some social activists, devised a way to generate a little bit of heat: 7 bombs all across Bangalore and Ahmadabad. No one died and we all clapped at this ingenious feat.. to bring in the summer ! In the mean time, child rights activists and news-wallas were doin overtime to cover the case of Arushi: The delhi kid who stood first in a Delhi school. The intense discussions in all the news channels that ranged from “child rights in rock music” to “Exams and school bus” were informative. Also MoonNews got an exclusive interview with arushi’s closest competitors’ maidservant … and again as you all know, that interview got the Academy Award for the Best emotional drama in 2008!! Sitting here and following those events unfold was fascinating!

While things were getting warmer back home, 1000s of miles away a bunch of Indian athletes were creating history! Never before I had followed athletics so fervently as I did during the Chinese Olympics! With the temperatures going beyond control (someone did a calculation mistake with those bombs), it was a gratifying feeling for all of us .. to see our country of 1.13 billion win 40 golds (7 in wrestling) and 75 silvers. Abhinav Bindra was given a special distinction (2 golds for 1 event) since his glasses were not working on the day of his event.

The Olympics did a lot of good to the world! Pictures of Yasser Arafat-George Bush-Hugo Chavez in shorts and playing Tug of war against Manmohan Singh-Asif Zardari-Osama Bin Laden, are still oven fresh in our minds!!! China was so happy with their performance that they signed a blank Rs1000 stamp paper and asked Dalai Lama to type in whatever he wants regarding Tibet! It was truely a historic Olympics. Even the US army was happy - thanks to Michael Phelps’s aquatic achievements, they now are using him to test their latest “water-boarding” techniques!! Am sure the world is going to be a safer place if they master it and apply on all the “bad guys” they capture!!

While I was recovering from the Olympics hangover (calculate 1 party for each gold we won!!), one fine morning my neighbor said his pay have been doubled overnight and so we shall have another party!!!! Apparently the company where he was working: Lehmann Brothers, were no longer brothers (thanks to Lehman A’s dog … who terrorized Lehman B’s rooster) and therefore he got a job from both of them after the split, and now will be paid twice the amount!!! Many days later I came to know this was actually happening worldwide! All big financial houses were having family feuds and hence breaking up .. and all the employees were earning double the amount !!! But there was a problem … everyone was soo rich that no one was happy. So, recently the World Rich Control Organization have passed an international Law according to which each earning person is supposed to use 10 units of their respective currency bills, as tissue papers, atleast once in 2 days. I hope this intelligent decision will help us overcome the “All rich” problem soon! Am sure U guys are aware of this excellent measure… and hence I would appreciate your thoughts on this.

At one point it seemed to me that even the Indian scientists were enjoying this worldwide excess of cash!! Otherwise why on earth shall you spend Rs. 386 crore (US$ 80 million) (Ref. The Times of India 2008-10-26) on a piece of metal, to take a few pictures of the Moon and analyse what Moon mud is made of !!???? … Specially in a country where every year approx. 100,000 people die of road accidents due to the lack of trauma care facilities, where 58,0000 people die of cancer every year and over a million suffer from aids (all data are referenced) !!!!! But I was happy that we have come of age .. we have understood that the answer to these problems may be found in heaven .. and hence this first step towards the moon !!! bravo !

That was the month of October. A long and “eventful” year was comin to an end. And just when I thought that I would increase my pace of work …. Someone very close to me .. decided to visit me. By now am sure you have understood that I the nerd strongly believe in “work is worship”. Naturally I didn’t want this friend of mine to come over and waste some more time. But alas ! there she came and for 2 weeks I missed my tiny little mice and the cute chemical boxes and the beastly microscope . Finally that ordeal was also over!!!!! With a sigh of relief, I went in for the slog overs in the month of December.

There is nothing much to write about December … because I don’t want to bore you guys with minor details of what I do. New Years Eve was great fun! Unlike one of those morons who get drunk at the middle of the night with a bunch of friends, I was sipping chocolate milk and watching “Gulliver’s Travels” . ………. What???? That sounds boring !!!??? You moron … can you tell me the name of all the places Gulliver's travel led beside the Lilliput ? (yes that’s actually the name of the country and not those tiny people). If u can’t answer me .. I will say go and watch / read it. But If u CAN … then … please scroll up and check the title of this blog …… before giving a verdict 

Note: As many of u may have noticed, the Bombay massacre didn’t find any mention in my yearbook …. The reason? : ... well, I write to feel good …

The "Naivest" man

" Thats a cross between a lion and a Wolf !!!!! " .. he said. "Wow!!.. quite a thing!" we replied, looking at the Dachshund (Smooth)[here you must check out Google to get a glimpse of this beast.. trust me , U MUST !!]. So, that was the day when I realized: you don't have to be stupid , to be naive .. you just need an immense trust on people, a big heart and a saint-ish belief that all living beings are good !! Because the person am talking bout here had enough intelligence to teach a bunch of crazy lunatics a subject called maths! And among those lunatics, barring a few , rather 2 to be precise, rest all had the urge and the tenacity to learn about numbers! ...... But yet he sacrificed all his judgmental abilities to believe what his neighbor had said about their pet.. the Dachshund!

This is a tribute to the "naivest" and "simplest" human being I have ever known in the past 26.5 years of my existence on this planet... Konar Sir.

As most of my dear friends know that my brother and me had above average intelligence when it came to mathematics! Therefore to further hone our skills we joined the tuition classes of Mr. Konar. My friend Aveek also joined the same batch with us, and am sure will keep regretting that decision as long as he is sane. Because if not for us, he would have learned some more maths than what he did.

We first got the taste of Konar sir's naivety during an early morning class one day. It was circa 1999-2000, and TB6 was reigning the masses (for those who are unaware of TB6 pls use google). So naturally a large part of the pre-class adda was dedicated to discussions on TB6 ... and that day was no different.
(I am going to write this discussion in Beng-lish, rest everything will be in English)
"baba sourojit .. baba aveek .. TB6 ki re ?" .. suddenly sir asked ( we were unaware that he was standing behind us)
"sir, ota kichu na .. ota national geographic er ekta sister channel", prompt came the reply from ingenious Aveek
"ohh!! tai !!! baah baah .... ta ki ki dekhay ote?", Sir asked
"All natural stuff sir !!!! shob natural jinish patro!!... ei dhorun evolution theke shuru kore population obdhi shob!!", .. I said
"ohh tai bujhi !! aacha tahole ajkei ami amar cable-wala ke bolbo TB6 dite" !!!!!!!
(we never really tried to find out what happened next)

Arijit's Australia trip and the kangaroo Incident:

Since that event, we were sure that Sir was oblivious of everything on this earth except mathematics. So quite often we would discuss TB6, Debonair (magazine), Mermaid (magazine), kamona-bashona (novel) etc , and sir would enthusiastically take part in our discussion to quench his thirst for knowledge. Sometime he would even note down the names of these "educational movies and magazines' with an aim to look for them in Kolkata's College street during his next visit.
Things were going fine and smooth ... and we were now a little bored .. we wanted some new excitement ... Finally it happened:
It was a chilly morning in the January of 2000. Indian cricket team was touring Australia and the telecast would start early in the morning in India. It was also the time when my dadu (maternal grandfather) had an angioplasty in Vellore and so Arijit (my twin bro) went to vellore with my Dad. Konar sir used to take the classes very early in the morning, and on that fateful day, we all saw India being completely devastated by the Aussie pace attack, before we started for the class. So the general mood in the class was gloomy... very gloomy . (remember cricket was a religion for us back then!!!)
[ I will translate this discussion in English]
Sir: What happened to you all? Why are you guys looking so sad ?

Someone (I dnt remember who it was): Sir ..... Sir ... there is a bad news ... (!!!!!!!!)
We all could sense that something was coming ...

Sir: what happened !!!!?????????

That Someone: Sir ... Arijit .. Arijit is .....

Sir : WHAT ???????? TELL ME ??????
(we all were dumbstruck and quite....we didn't know what was happening)

That Someone: Sir... Arijit has been beaten by a Kangaroo !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Now that was it !!!!!! ..... everyone was trying to turn their head 360 degs and laugh!!!)

Sir: What??????? I don't understand !!!!
(it was my turn now....)

Me: Sir .. actually we forgot to tell u that Arijit won the Brittania contest and went to Australia to watch India play. Now there I told him to be careful ... but you know how he is ... he went to a safari ... and saw some kangaroo kids playing .. so he wanted to take one of the kids back home with him and also wanted to have a joy ride in the pouch of the big kangaroo!!!! ... he ran towards them .. and the father kangaroo .... sensing danger .. bit him !!!!!!!!!!! ( I still dunno where this story came from!!!)

[Pin drop silence]

Sir: Oh My God (OMG) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What are you saying !!! OMG !! How is he?? How bad is the cut ?? is he in a lot of pain? Where did it bite him ??

[ Now that was the point when we almost collapsed trying to control our laughter!!!! he actually had believed a complete bullshit story!!! .. we actually had devised a new source of fun!!!!!]

Me: Sir !! Sir!!! please calm down !!! control yourself !! he is fine now!! .. I talked with him today morning , he said it bit him in ... bit him in his .. in his .. ASS!!!!... and he also said that it was not painful at all!! rather he felt a little ticklish when the kangaroo bit him .. he realized later that it was actually a bite and not a lick!!!

[ha ha ha ha ha !!!!!! god it was all happening] ...

So, for the next few day all of us would stretch our imaginations to the fullest and tell stories from Australia (apparently heard from Arijit). I don't remember how long this went , but it ended when one fine morning Arijit re-joined the classes.."limping" (!!!!!!!!)

Konar Sir could never even think that someone can lie to him! His world, his perceptions and his ideas were as pure as his love and respect for his profession. For, how on earth could he believe the fact that a class XII student actually showed a "complaint letter" written to his parents and got it signed by them !!! Or how could he NOT believe that it was not the concerned students' dad ... but the student himself, talking with him over the phone !!!

After leaving school, I have tried to visit him whenever I went to Durgapur. But the last time I saw him was almost 5-6 years back. But still today whenever I do even a little of maths (the kind needed for my work).. I still remember that 5.5 ft tall figure... in crisp white "Dhuti-Panjabi" .. and with the most harmless and heart warming smile ..