An Angry Blog... &^%$@%^#$%^* ??

WARNING ! WARNING!: For mature audience only! Contains atrocious words and profanities. Also, this product is meant for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely .......

Before I start ranting this stupendous thought, I would like to say hi to all my readers after a long long hiatus. Yeah .. The last time I posted was way back in the BC. Since then, there has been some significant changes in my life: I got a new house, new job, a wife (new), and a new passion to win the "Worlds' Laziest Ass" competition!! Needless to say, every time during these last few months I opened my blogger account, each time I had the most incandescent idea to write about something! And as a result, today I have a collection of some 7-8 so called "start up blogs".. each spanning a line or two of my deranged imagination. ....BUT THIS ONE I find, was actually "almost" completed a long time back! In fact the date shows that it was a Saturday night and if I remember correctly ..I was a "bit" intoxicated

..................................................................

While cleaning up my Gmail Inbox some days back, I stumbled upon a treasure trove of thousands of forwarded emails , dating back to 2006 !! I think back in 2006-2007 almost every alternate email that reached my Inbox was a forward sent by someone! Must agree that it was always fun (and rarely helpful) to read SOME of them but most of the time it was pure shit forwarded by some naive person who thought that not doing so would bring him / her crappy luck.
Please note: I have always been A narcissistic douche bag, when it comes to forwarding emails, and therefore, in most cases, declined to return back the favor and share the "joy" of these emails with my friends. In fact there were hardly a few which could actually entertain me.... the rest induced a Rambo like rage in me %^&$%$#&

Here's a flavor of what I unearthed from my Inbox. To be politically correct I will leave it to your imagination to decide which ones I might have liked and which faced the guillotine (delete button):

- Vinod Kambli's wife looking the sluttiest ever.

- Some weirdo's apocalyptic imagination of how the year 3000 would look like, and am not talking about the animation email. (apparently some psychos liked the cluttered skies filled with flying "you-name-it" objects, cars that look like condoms and buildings resembling concentration camps .. and decided to share it with every human being on earth!!!)

- A social message from a dear friend who wanted to warn his fellow dickhead friends (including myself) about the perils of swimming and sun-bathing naked when you are a guy: A news article which talks about an unlucky dumb sucker who got his testicles entangled between 2 slats in a deckchair while sunbathing!!!! The article goes on to explain how swimming naked shrunk them and so they slid through and then how sunbathing brought them back to their normal size.... resulting in a "Got you by the balls!!" situation ( YEAH i DID SAVE THIS ONE .. AND WILL UPLOAD SOON IN FACEBOOK)

- Then someone found pictures taken inside the ill-fated Air France jet, that crashed into the Ocean, minutes before it crashed!! Forces me to think that some people may be utterly obsessed with uploading pics in their Facebook's "Mobile Uploads" album!

- Oh ! And how can I not mention about the plethora of "Myth-buster" emails!... An epic (from one such mail) that I would like to mention here is: "Unlike the general perception, Horses do not have the biggest dicks in the animal kingdom!" (Dont Ask me that stupid question which you are thinking about .. I DONT KNOW)
Wow! really! Thats a Myth-buster!! Some people care about that!!!!....You know what would really suck.. I mean really really suck? Being a Horse with a small p***s. Can you imagine the constant looks of disappointment you would get every time you got down to business? You would always get an, "Oh. I was expecting something. . . well . . . different."
The forward also blamed "some unrealistic movies" (wtf???) for creating this myth. Really! Thanks to that unsung hero (or heroine?) who decided to dispel the myth by initiating the worlds most irritating email that ended up in the mail box of a grumpy bastard like me!!

- And now, BEFORE the "last but not the least" in this illustrious list, comes the type that includes all those:
"cute", "awwwwww", "its so fucking sweet", "angels", "bad people suck", "serve the world", "soaps are made from human fat", "tearjerker stories for jerks", "do not walk on the street..crows are shitting grenades" !!! etc etc etc .......
.... in short the most incredibly meaningless and useless forwards with subject lines that ranged from "MUST READ" to " DUDE YOU WILL DIE OF ANAL ELECTROCUTION IF U DONT OPEN THIS SHIT" (ok that was made up)...
.
.
.
.
.

- That space above is to signify the importance of this last breed of forwards which I am gona talk about now. I call them "Furritatobnoxious" thats FUcking iRRITATing OBNOXIOUS!!!^&$*%&#%^@#
....These are the ones which always TRIED to make you feel the most abhorrent, mean, ignoble bastard ever on earth... because you are just too lazy to forward it to some 1000 people!
Am talking about the ones that TRIED to make me suffer in guilt for not sending out 50 billion forwards sent to me by people who actually believed that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl ..........in the "shittiest place on earth ever", with the crappiest disease, brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad man who kidnapped her while she was in play school, to save his 2 month old Japanese Poodle from dying of a heart ailment that it developed while watching the scariest movie on earth........ will get 6 f**king cents every time they send me the letter!!!!
I always wanted to ask: Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How freaking stupid are you?

I admit that I did it once. But then, that email promised that If I scroll down the page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog!!!!!!..... Now, since am still writing this stupid blog from a half-dead computer... it proves that nothing happened !

That was just a glimpse of what we all went through some years back when forwarded emails were a rage!

..... Well......... I did delete a lot of them and did save some! ... AND I will confess that I do miss some of those good forwards once in a while! They would always make the inbox more interesting. Am sure if you go back and take a look at your mail-boxes you will find how often you used to receive all these forwards and how their numbers went down over the years! The philosopher in me asks the question: Is it because we are getting busier by the day? Is it because people dont care about that little girl anymore? or Is it just the amount of junk that we all deal with everyday that we dont like anymore of it in our mailboxes?? ..... OR is it that no one wants to share their joy anymore ??????
Whatever it is.... trust me ...Its fun to go back and take a look at some of them .... and more fun to delete some with vengeance! ... and even more to talk about them like I did! (the easiest way to write a blog!)
..................................................................

P.S. Please don't be angry at me for using profanities. Also, please don't curse me for my views (specially if you remember what you had forwarded). AND Please please dont remove me from your forwarding list (if you think its a good one!)
.........
Comments are always appreciated :) :)..

Copa de la Vida ...

Disclaimer: Chatu Da , this is not plagiarism ... as we discussed :)

I still remember (though vaguely) the day Roberto Baggio missed that precious penalty kick allowing the ball to fly over the Brazilian goal by over 1000 yards (exaggeration). It was the final of the 1994 FIFA World Cup and I was with a bunch of my family members enjoying the game at Kolkata (then Calcutta). It was a special occasion for the family too as my aunt was getting married the very next day! I still remember, we had clearly demarcated sitting areas in the room at my GrandaPa's house for the "opposing fans"!! Because of the marriage, a lot of the family had come from different places and it was grand re-union after a long time !! As of me, I was in a state of utter confusion about whom to support ! While the delicious Bourbon biscuits, Chocobar ice creams, roadside fuchkas, candy floss, and Hot Wheel cars came from the "Italian part" of the family ... The "Brazilian section" had HotWheel cars, Toy Guns, protection from mom-dads legitimate scoldings, Rashogolla ( a sweet) and Sandesh (another sweet) among their services!!!!! ..... And to tell you the truth, I still dont remember which side I chose!! But all I remember was the sheer fun of watching my uncles, aunts, cousins, more uncles , more aunts, more cousins .... everyone .. going crazy over a single white Ball!!!!
That probably is the oldest and the sweetest memory of the FIFA World Cup that I have......

When you look back you can almost define the different stages of your life from the different World Cup soccers! Since the 1994 Cup, every single World Cup has been associated with some very cherished memories for me. And every single cup has been a totally new way of entertainment! I remember spending the summer of 1998 in Durgapur, watching the Cup with Dad and some of his and my friends. The Korea -Japan World Cup in 2002 was also spent in Durgapur- following the Cup with my school friends. While the 2006 edition was spent at Gurgaon (my last few months in MS) .... and that was probably the first time when the Soccer + Alcohol combination started :) :)

Although India is a cricket dominated nation, football is almost equally followed.... atleast in the part of the country from where I come from. And specially in this part almost everyone will tell you "proudly" how India had qualified for the 1950 world cup, but couldn't play due to the lack of boots !!! "If they had played , may be they could have been the champions defeating Uruguay!!!!" ... BUT after many years I came to know that India was qualified by default as a result of the withdrawal of all of their scheduled opponents. However, the governing body AIFF decided against going to the World Cup, being unable to understand the importance of the event at that time. The boot story was just another great Indian bureaucratic bull-shit. ... Despite this piece of information being quite well know now, we still are crazy about the World Cups atleast !!!... So whenever there is a world cup soccer, we support "our teams" !!!!!!!

So the question is how do we decide which team to support?? .... And before I tell you what made me support Germany, I will tell you some of the varied reasons why we select a specific team to root for : ... Over the years I have heard reasons that range from .. The style of football to the style statement of a specific player (am not being a sexist .. but thats mostly for girls), from the color of the Jersey to a good friend settled / working in that country, from an ex-great footballer to some great singer/actor in that country, from delicious cuisine to pretty ladies (and that mostly came from guys) !!!!!!!!!!!!
.. So what made me support Germany ? ... As far as my poor memory allows - both me and my brother started supporting Germany from the very day we started following World Cups seriously! .. Back in those days, there used to be a Chewing Gum brand (I dont remember the name) which would give you a photo card of a soccer player with every gum that you buy. AND LET ME TELL U ... IT WAS A VERY BIG THING .. back then! People (read friends) would exchange cards all the time with sheer corporate planning ... there would be bets on cards .. and even school soccer matches would end with a card exchange (always in favor of the winning team)!!!! Someone who possessed the max number of Maradona cards, was the unsaid ruler!!! Similarly someone who possessed cards for all the playing 11 from a big team like Brazil, Argentina, Germany, Italy etc was considered very powerful!
....... So back in those days of card collection, we came across 2 cards of these 2 German players named Jürgen Klinsmann and Lothar Matthaus (Yeah thats the spelling). I still remember the pictures had an awe-inspiring effect on us!!!! ... Firstly Matthaus had an uncanny resemblance with Arnold Schwarzenegger (remember it was the Commando and Terminator era!!!), while Klinsmann's picture had something in it which evoked sympathy + we liked his jersey too !!!!!!!!!!!! That was it !!! ... we had got our team and so started the cheering .... which have lasted over the years and is present even today !!!!! Although the reasons have changed ..... while it started with the resemblance to a film star and the jersey + sympathy factor ..... more reasons were added in the following years ...the style of german football being the biggest. And then after many years the "cute chicks" factor was added to the list recently.
( I searched the internet for hours to find that picture which I strongly believe (as far as I can remember) were there in those cards ..... and I have uploaded those in this blog).

... Every year after the Cup is over, there is a feeling of emptiness and a little sadness. The idea that this is going to be back again after 4 years is kind of depressing. Specially if you enjoy it to the fullest with a whole bunch of people (as I have done in every World Cup including this one), then once its all over you tend to miss that bonhomie. When I look back to the previous world cups, I remember some faces , which are associated with the individual tournaments that suddenly flashes every 4 years!! People whom you remember only when you think about a particular world cup and how you had enjoyed it! ........

So ladies and gentlemen, dont miss this chance to join with others and go crazy for "your team" !!!... Remember its every 4 years... so manage your work, bf, gf, chats, chores, food, dinner, lunch etc etc .... and enjoy the game ... and SUPPORT GERMANY !! :)

.. Wishing you all a very memorable World Cup ... may you all make new friends .. whom you will eventually forget for the next 4 years ... until the next edition in Brazil ..


Copa de la Vida ... means ... The Cup of Life ....

The "Naivest" Man

" Thats a cross between a lion and a Wolf !!!!! " .. he said. "Wow!!.. quite a thing!" we replied, looking at the Dachshund (Smooth)[here you must check out Google to get a glimpse of this beast.. trust me , U MUST !!]. So, that was the day when I realized: you don't have to be stupid , to be naive .. you just need an immense trust on people, a big heart and a saint-ish belief that all living beings are good !! Because the person am talking bout here had enough intelligence to teach a bunch of crazy lunatics a subject called maths! And among those lunatics, barring a few , rather 2 to be precise, rest all had the urge and the tenacity to learn about numbers! ...... But yet he sacrificed all his judgmental abilities to believe what his neighbor had said about their pet.. the Dachshund!

This is a tribute to the "naivest" and "simplest" human being I have ever known in the past 27 years of my existence on this planet... Konar Sir.

As most of my dear friends know that my brother and me had above average intelligence when it came to mathematics! Therefore to further hone our skills we joined the tuition classes of Mr. Konar. My friend Aveek also joined the same batch with us, and am sure will keep regretting that decision as long as he is sane. Because if not for us, he would have learned some more maths than what he did.

We first got the taste of Konar sir's naivety during an early morning class one day. It was circa 1999-2000, and TB6 was reigning the masses (for those who are unaware of TB6 pls use google). So naturally a large part of the pre-class adda was dedicated to discussions on TB6 ... and that day was no different.
(I am going to write this discussion in Beng-lish, rest everything will be in English)
"baba sourojit .. baba aveek .. TB6 ki re ?" .. suddenly sir asked ( we were unaware that he was standing behind us)
"sir, ota kichu na .. ota national geographic er ekta sister channel", prompt came the reply from ingenious Aveek
"ohh!! tai !!! baah baah .... ta ki ki dekhay ote?", Sir asked
"All natural stuff sir !!!! shob natural jinish patro!!... ei dhorun evolution theke shuru kore population obdhi shob!!", .. I said
"ohh tai bujhi !! aacha tahole ajkei ami amar cable-wala ke bolbo TB6 dite" !!!!!!!
(we never really tried to find out what happened next)

Arijit's Australia trip and the kangaroo Incident:

Since that event, we were sure that Sir was oblivious of everything on this earth except mathematics. So quite often we would discuss TB6, Debonair (magazine), Mermaid (magazine), kamona-bashona (novel) etc , and sir would enthusiastically take part in our discussion to quench his thirst for knowledge. Sometime he would even note down the names of these "educational movies and magazines' with an aim to look for them in Kolkata's College street during his next visit.
Things were going fine and smooth ... and we were now a little bored .. we wanted some new excitement ... Finally it happened:
It was a chilly morning in the January of 2000. Indian cricket team was touring Australia and the telecast would start early in the morning in India. It was also the time when my dadu (maternal grandfather) had an angioplasty in Vellore and so Arijit (my twin bro) went to vellore with my Dad. Konar sir used to take the classes very early in the morning, and on that fateful day, we all saw India being completely devastated by the Aussie pace attack, before we started for the class. So the general mood in the class was gloomy... very gloomy . (remember cricket was a religion for us back then!!!)
[ I will translate this discussion in English]
Sir: What happened to you all? Why are you guys looking so sad ?

Someone (I dnt remember who it was): Sir ..... Sir ... there is a bad news ... (!!!!!!!!)
We all could sense that something was coming ...

Sir: what happened !!!!?????????

That Someone: Sir ... Arijit .. Arijit is .....

Sir : WHAT ???????? TELL ME ??????
(we all were dumbstruck and quite....we didn't know what was happening)

That Someone: Sir... Arijit has been beaten by a Kangaroo !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Now that was it !!!!!! ..... everyone was trying to turn their head 360 degs and laugh!!!)

Sir: What??????? I don't understand !!!!
(it was my turn now....)

Me: Sir .. actually we forgot to tell u that Arijit won the Brittania contest and went to Australia to watch India play. Now there I told him to be careful ... but you know how he is ... he went to a safari ... and saw some kangaroo kids playing .. so he wanted to take one of the kids back home with him and also wanted to have a joy ride in the pouch of the big kangaroo!!!! ... he ran towards them .. and the father kangaroo .... sensing danger .. bit him !!!!!!!!!!! ( I still dunno where this story came from!!!)

[Pin drop silence]

Sir: Oh My God (OMG) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What are you saying !!! OMG !! How is he?? How bad is the cut ?? is he in a lot of pain? Where did it bite him ??

[ Now that was the point when we almost collapsed trying to control our laughter!!!! he actually had believed a complete bullshit story!!! .. we actually had devised a new source of fun!!!!!]

Me: Sir !! Sir!!! please calm down !!! control yourself !! he is fine now!! .. I talked with him today morning , he said it bit him in ... bit him in his .. in his .. ASS!!!!... and he also said that it was not painful at all!! rather he felt a little ticklish when the kangaroo bit him .. he realized later that it was actually a bite and not a lick!!!

[ha ha ha ha ha !!!!!! god it was all happening] ...

So, for the next few day all of us would stretch our imaginations to the fullest and tell stories from Australia (apparently heard from Arijit). I don't remember how long this went , but it ended when one fine morning Arijit re-joined the classes.."limping" (!!!!!!!!)

Konar Sir could never even think that someone can lie to him! His world, his perceptions and his ideas were as pure as his love and respect for his profession. For, how on earth could he believe the fact that a class XII student actually showed a "complaint letter" written to his parents and got it signed by them !!! Or how could he NOT believe that it was not the concerned students' dad ... but the student himself, talking with him over the phone !!!

After leaving school, I have tried to visit him whenever I went to Durgapur. But the last time I saw him was almost 5-6 years back. But still today whenever I do even a little of maths (the kind needed for my work).. I still remember that 5.5 ft tall figure... in crisp white "Dhuti-Panjabi" .. and with the most harmless and heart warming smile ..

The Fokker 50

Ever since I started flying a bit frequently I got more and more hooked up to those creepy television series like Aircrash Investigations (Discovery channel), Minutes before disaster (discovery again?) etc. Ironically though, these programs made me more worried than ever before. e.g: after watching an aircraft crash due to ice formation on its wings, I was so paranoid that last December (while flying back to India) I kept looking through my window for any ice on the wings !!!! My fear seems to increase exponentially when flying over large water bodies than over land !! This might sound stupid to many of you but I have a smart reason for that: ... am a bad swimmer and afraid of sharks!!! This "aero-hydro-phobia" led me to continually scan the waters of Lake Michigan for any "spots" (boats, ships etc??) while crossing it on my way to CA last summer !!! One more factor that adds up to my fear is the kind of aircraft am flying in ! For some unknown reason I feel totally unsafe inside those turbo-prop small aircrafts (the ones with propellers). They look more like toys and totally unworthy to carry people. What if you look through the window and one of those big fans suddenly stop rotating !!!

Now that I explained the nature of my aviophobia, let me come to the main story....

May 5th, 2009, San Juan Airport, Puerto Rico: After a 4 hr flight from NYC, here I was at Puerto Rico, waiting for my connecting flight to Antigua (West Indies). There was a 3 hours lay over and I was thirsty..
It didnt take long to locate the only bar inside the lounge area. Now when in Puerto Rico, its a crime not to have a local Rum Punch!!! .. specially when Rum being their national drink! So after a lot of "gracias .. gracias", I came out of the bar contended: 3 absolutely refreshing rum punches (the best I ever had till then) in a flat 60 mins...
Back at the gate I took a seat facing the runway. It was a cloudy day and it was drizzling outside. If not for the rum, I would have started thinking about my swimming skills by now!!

So after waiting for almost an hour, I first saw "it" : a rickety, old and almost collapsing figure ... she was marching very very slowly towards our gate .. " GOD! NOT THIS ONE !" .....
But when the turbo-prop Fokker 50 came and stopped near our gate, I was sure ... "thats it ... I will be crossing a part of the Atlantic (2 hrs) in probably the worst aircraft one can ever imagine , and on top of that its a turbo-prop AND TO MAKE THINGS WORSE - the weather is absolutely crappy !!!". Although my e-ticket had told me that it would be an ATR-72-500!!! My first reaction was to look for a local map of the islands and see if there is any land in between San Juan and Antigua (I was almost certain that a crash landing is imminent!).... "What the F@#$ !!!" I thought, "How irresponsible!! .. they want people to fly in these pre-historic flying objects .. and plan a route which starts and ends on a runway WITH ONLY WATER IN BETWEEN!!!!!! " .. My mind was clouded with thoughts and questions "what if .....????"

Ever since I was a kid, I have been interested in aircrafts.. mostly military aircrafts though. But off late I developed this habit of reading about the craft in which I am supposed to fly (yeah! they give you the aircraft name in the e-ticket). Now you can describe this as a part of my aviophobia or my hobby ... even I dunno the answer!! Anyways,I knew these Fokkers run on Pratt & Whitney turbo props (not the reliable names like GE, Rolls Royce or Boeing), so the question was how long can it float if/when the fans stop rotating!!!???! Does it have life vests inside? what if the weather asks for an immediate landing !!! ... I was sweating, tensed and and and rum-med ...

"Passengers of Flight 5052 to St. John's, Antigua, please proceed for boarding" ...
the announcement broke my train of thoughts. For the first time in my life I was boarding an aircraft where I had seat 1 A (the first row after cockpit , since there was no executive class) but I was the first person to board!!!! because: The boarding was from the door at the back (apparently there is no other cabin door in these aircrafts except the emergency ones). The seat beside me remained empty even after the cabin doors were closed, "which means, I dont have to help anyone unlock his/her seat belt when the time comes!!!" .. well thats a good beginning %$@#@$%!!
I tried to make myself comfortable, fastened my seat belt and waited for the plane to start rolling. Just when I started to feel a little better, there came an announcement from the flight attended which raised my BP for the next 2 hours: "Ladies and gentlemen, since we do not have a packed flight today and some seats are empty, we need to re-arrange the sitting ..SO THAT WE CAN BALANCE THE WEIGHT INSIDE THE CABIN" . ....... AND .... I ALMOST FELL FROM MY SEAT!!!!!! These kind of an announcements not only make you anxious but raise serious questions about the aircraft's reliability as a means of public transport over the atlantic !!! "GOD SAVE ME!!... I HAVENT EVEN TICKED THE FIRST POINT IN MY BUCKET LIST !! THIS IS TOO EARLY !!! .. I DONT WANT TO BE A FOOD FOR THE SHARKS !!" :(

The take off was smoother than I expected!! But within 5 mins after taking off we could feel the air turbulence. The pilot announced that weather will remain almost the same for the next 2 hours, so we are supposed to keep our belts fastened throughout. But everytime there was a vibration ... I was getting ready to unfasten my seat belt so that when we land on the water I can dash for the nearest exit!!! Although, even after 35-40 mins that crash landing didnt happen and the plane was still flying - so I felt a little better, closed my eyes and started enjoying the rum :). It might have been about an hour or so .... because I woke up with an announcement that we will be touching down in another 20 mins. "Yes! its over !! But still a slight fear remains : bad weather, wet runways and a turbo-prop aircraft is not a very good combo" (thats what I had gathered from Discovery's Air crash Investigation series!!)

We could feel the loss in altitude as we descended towards the small island of Antigua. It was cloudy but sometimes we could get a glimpse of the pristine blue waters and the white sand beaches. It was breathtaking and only appeared for a few seconds. In another 60 seconds we were close to the airport and flying at a very low altitude, just about to touch down ....... and then it happened...
suddenly the aircraft started to bank on the left .. "a routine maneuver may be" .. I thought, but then it started swaying towards the right!!! I could see the runway below , and I could almost visualize a scene from one of the episodes: An aircraft swaying badly while touchdown.. hits the runway- wing first ... and topples!!!

As we neared the surface the sway became more and more drastic! It was as if the wings were actually going to hit the ground! There was suddenly a pin-drop silence inside the cabin! I looked towards the air hostess- And, when you see the air hostesses sitting with their legs tightly closed , and hands clasping very very close to their body and that plastic smile no more on their faces ... you can sense immediately that something is wrong!!! The aircraft was swaying vehemently .. if I remember correctly, we were just about 70-80 feet above the runway!!! "Thats it.. will crash in a few seconds!!" ....... Then in a flash I felt an immense thrust ... the force nailed me against the seat ...Almost everyone shrieked!! The aircraft was suddenly climbing up again at almost a 70 degree angle and with tremendous force!!!! It was like sitting on a huge swing! One moment you are coming down and the next you are going up with a heavy acceleration!... "An aborted landing!!! Probably they coudnt manage the first one and are now going in for a second attempt!"... We again climbed into the clouds.
I was scared and I must admit that a lot of faces of my near and dear ones, friends and family were flashing in my mind! The silence continued.. no one was in a state to utter a word.. except some occasional "shit" and "god" !! Later I thought the former must have been an atheist!!

Although you expect some voice from the cockpit in situations like these, but there was none! This transpired as a sign of tension inside the cockpit too! After hovering in the clouds for about 5 mins, we again started to descend.... the second attempt for a landing! As the runway became visible and we started loosing altitude I closed my eyes. I could feel the craft vibrating .. a slight sway to the left, then left again ... and then almost immediately the "thud" ... it was harsh!! shook everything inside!! But we were on the runway!!!! It took a few seconds for all the passengers to realize that we had touched down safely .. and the claps started ! ... The aircraft slowed down... "Ladies and Gentlemen Welcome to St. John's Antigua" .. the voice from the cockpit said .... and then it added "Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while we taxi what's left of our airplane to the gate!" ... .. yeah right !

After I came out of the plane, I met a few people who were also traveling to Antigua for the same purpose as mine. And needless to say our eventful flight became a topic of discussion for the next 3 days!!

Later when the flight became famous among everyone in the conference (for which I was there), one of the pretty French faces asked me "Were you scared? God! I would have been scared to death!!"
"Well yeah, may be the same would have happened to me if I was unaware of the situation. But I knew it was common .. they show it all the time in Discovery channel!!!!"

.. afterall I was right ! .. I think I was the most prepared than anyone else in that flight! ... Because I was the only person who was sure that we were crashing ... MORE THAN ONCE !!

And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube over the atlantic, I hope you'll be smart enough to wear those life vests before hand. ... just in case!

1-C

DISCLAIMER: Those who are new to my blog, please read the small definition of my blog above. That might help you understand why I wrote this. Secondly, am sure many of you wont like this. So, I would really appreciate if you could write down your criticisms in the comments section. Finally, 98% of whats written below is true , its upto you to figure out the rest 2%. And lastly, the title of this blog is inspired by Leon Uris's QB-7. If you are unaware of QB-7 than never mind!
...............................................................

PART I: THE CAUSE

It was Nov 29th 2008 , a bright sunny day, and I was on my way to the JFK International Airport, to drop off my girl friend who was flying back to India. With the infamous NY traffic always at the back of my mind, I tried to cover up as much time as possible before we cross the state border and enter New York. Now here I need to mention the car that I was driving, because it's the main protagonist in this story. I was driving a Chevrolet Impala LS with a 3.5 L V6 engine, which had been on the road only for 6 months! And for someone who drives a V4 Toyota Camry everyday, it was quite an adrenalin rush!

So, here I was on I-84 and along with many others, was going at about 85-90 mph (the limit on this stretch has been 58-65 mph for years!). Although am a very sober guy with just a few ounces of hooliganism (which is exposed after 8-10 shots only) and although I had no intention to cross the speed limit by more than 10 mph, but yet I did it , and I sincerely think that the damn CAR is to be blamed!!!. Because had it been my old horse, it would have warned me once I go beyond 75 mph with its characteristic mild vibrations!!

Just as we crossed a town called Waterbury, the car in front of me slowed down (I was on the left lane!). Its frustrating to be on the left lane and go at a snails pace! So I lean on the gas a little to pass him, and I'm back on my merry way.

That was it ! the moment I cut the old man or may be a Chinese (that's a guess coz he was below the limit!), I could hear a squad car behind me and then could see the 100 flashing lights from 1 car ( a waste in itself!). Immediately, my GF gives me the biggest "I told you so... " speech of all time. I already felt like the biggest bonehead in the world. I thought I was screwed. ....
Needless to say that I didnt want my birth certificate to be useless from that day, and so like a law abiding driver, I stopped.

"Sir, you were doing 85 on a 58! whats your problem?"

"Dyslexia!" .. .. I wish I could say! Instead came the reply "Oh! really ! am sorry about that!" (yeah right it should have been 'short term memory loss' instead of dyslexia!)

"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

That was my LESSON# 1 : Never F*** around with cops ... coz you never know which one turns out to be intelligent!

Anyways, despite my best puppy dog eyes, he takes my license goes back to his car , makes me wait for 10 mins (I had all sorts of thought in those 10 mins- from license cancellation, to jail to being deported) while the "I told you to .." speech continued in the background ...
Finally after the most painful 10 mins he comes back with the infamous "pink slip" .. a $ 400 ticket ! My offenses: "going 85 in a 58 zone"- $300 and "passing on the right!!!!!!!!!" $ 100. This second offence made me realize that USA still have officers who watch a lot of "Imandaar Police officer" movies!

"You can either pay the amount in full or contest the ticket in court, sir", said the man in uniform.

PART II: THE EFFECT

With two options in hand, I selected the the second one i.e to go to the court and try and reduce the amount of money I had to pay. A lot of thoughts, discussions, tips and advices finally led me to this decision. I was almost termed as a psycho who walks in the corridors of the health center building and stops any known face and asks "Did you ever get a speeding ticket? Did you defend it? ...". To my surprise everyone seemed to have an idea about speeding tickets!! Even the guy whose stories of delaying people by being in the car in front of them are legendary .... had something to tell me bout speeding tickets !!!! Thank god .. human beings are so very helpful!
Beside all these what really led me into this decision was the fact that according to reliable legal analysists, for every idiot who wins a case, thousands of other imbeciles don't make it that far!!!!!

So I finally got a hearing date on March 6th 2009 .... after 3 months of my crime! In those 3 months, I always had the fear of being busted even when driving on the most nondescript streets in town!
And, despite some very ingenious advices like "Dont show up and they will forget the case" or "Tell them that it was a racial discrimination" (yeah right... when the cop himself was an african-american !!! ), I went to the court with a PLAN. the plan was to tell the judge that I was "over the limit" because of the following reasons: The car, My "first" drive on the highway, my GF's flight to India (I got the boarding pass scanned from her) and then to request him to reduce the charges.

Never in my life I had been to any kind of courtroom before! So naturally the moment I entered court room 1-C, I was a little disappointed! Why? .. because I could not find much similarity between this one and the one I had in my mind (as seen in movies)! So I was kind of "not feeling at home" ! Looking around I couldnt see any scary convict in chains or any judge wearing that funny headgear ! Instead it was a big hall , more like a church, and in place of jesus there was a small dais with 3 simple chairs and a table (without any occupant). And on the right, below the dais there was this 50 something man with a bunch of files (he was the hearing officer). My sense of guilt was considerably reduced when I found that there were almost 100s like me who had similar tickets! And that included some hot babes , elderly ladies, suited-booted gentlemen and snobbish asses!!!!!

Anyways, after waiting for about 15 mins, finally the time came! It was my first and last chance to explain to the officer that unavoidable circumstances literally forced me to cross the speed limit by 27 mph !!!

So, as previously planned and rehearsed, I started:

" Sir, I agree that I was going over the limit but am here to explain that it was completely un-intentional. I was delayed for the airport .. blah blah ... not driving my car .. blah blah ... the car in front of me slowed so I just tried to cross him hence pressed the gas .. blah blah .. its not that I was speeding all throughout ..and finally (with those puppy dog eyes) .. I am a grad student and cant pay the amount .. "

"Am sorry to hear that !!!!!" .... wow ! my trick was working, I thought !

"But unfortunately, you started late for the airport hence you got delayed, ... you chose the car, ... and if you cant look at the speedometer while you drive , I must send you to the driving school once again! Also, the officer had been following you for over 600 fts before he stopped you .... again you didnt notice that ! You didnt show any respect and further pressed on the gas !!!!!!!!!! "

LESSON# 2: Always show respect to the cops

... I could feel my stomach .. again the jail > being deported etc etc scenes were coming back !!!! ...

AND then the final blow:
"You know, you should have paid the full amount .. that would have saved you from getting a point in your license because a point in your license means your insurance will go up .. and its a recurring expenditure!!!" ....

The final Verdict: Pay $ 130 , go home .. with a point in your license.

While coming back, as I crossed that same spot where I was ticketed 3 months back, I told to myself, "Thank god! the speed radar was not accurate! otherwise 90mph would have been a 'reckless driving' charge" !!!!!

LESSON# 3, 4, 5, 6: ... Don't look for small profits ... think long term ! Learn to identify squad cars ! Have your GF sitting beside you and not in the back seat ! AND ALWAYS REMEMBER - for every idiot who wins a case, thousands of other imbeciles don't make it that far!!!!!

Failures are the stepping stones to success !!! is that true !!!

Recently , something happened to me .. which was an almost exact repeat of a similar incident that occurred about an year back. So instead of typing this fresh incident ... i thought of putting the older one here.
While u read it .. just remember.. the date was different and the "food" was different this time, although my "hunger" for "experimental food" remains the same ...




It all began with a desire... the most inherent desire of mankind. A desire for which we work in the office, for which we educate our selves and for which we create occasions in others lives!! … The desire to eat well!!!

I don’t remember the date (and don’t want to remember either) when the story began. It was one of my regular trips to the local Food Store, when I came across this stuff. Now, before I tell you what followed next, let me explain the psychology that drove me into this….

Recently back from an invigorating trip to Nashville and the Smokey Mountains, I was still loaded with the memories. Beside the natural beauty of the place, another thing that kept coming back, were the delicious preparations which my Scientist Friend Ayan and My Scientist big-sis Sudarshana di (I use “scientist” to mean that they are not Chefs in any Indian restaurant) had prepared at different time points, during the trip. While Ayan had a Keema preparation, Sudarshana di made Mutton Liver.

So, I had a hidden desire in me, to try and prepare these above items so as to satisfy my taste buds, which were still searching for those delicacies. Neways lets come back to the story now. So here I was in a Food Mart, with a burning desire to “eat Better”… and a hidden fantasy for Keema and Mutton Liver!!! Thats when I saw this thing, a cute white box in the “meat” section. I just couldn’t resist myself. It had those words written on it “G R O U N D” (which is basically keema). Little did I realize that it was neither Chicken Keema nor Mutton Liver, rather it was “Ground Chicken Liver”, and that’s not all!!! It had stuffs like Curd and Egg, mixed!!!!!! My confused mind, hidden passions and Scientist mentality (which never works in the lab), forced me to put it in my cart though :(

Back Home with a contended feeling for spotting the stuff that I wanted, I started with great enthusiasm!! Sudarshana Di had said, and ayan had made, the preparations very rich! Therefore with tears dripping, I finished chopping a mountain of onions,chillis etc etc! The cooking began with its usual good smell, when you fry onions with some Masalas (here I must say, I had a heavy dose of masalas put in , in an attempt to make it extra spicy).And finally It was time to open the pack and put the coveted “G R O U N D” stuff into the pan !!!! Like a child opening a box of Ferro Roche, I opened my prized catch!!! BUT… the first look of the stuff inside, made me sad.. it looked bad .. real bad!! I told myself “looks are deceptive”, and went ahead to put it , in my already fried onion and maasala mix !!!

:
:
:

The Gap signifies the shock, I got when I put it in the pan!!! .. It was like a Biological “smell” Weapon!! I was thrown back with the overwhelming (read nauseating) smell!! I had nothing to do!!! I gathered all my strength, and told myself “cooking make things better”.. little did I realize that I was a dumb fool to believe that !!! Even after sweating it out for 2 hours… there was no change in the atmosphere!! The smell was persistent and self generating!!!

That was it …. 2 hrs of my time, 20 litres of sweat, and almost $20 of Spices, resulted in an “alien” delicacy, which may b extra terrestrials would have liked.

So friends what did I do with my marvelous creation??? ..He he !! .. I am intelligent enough to keep it in -20.. who knows may b the smell will “freeze to death” !!!... someday ... :(

Moral of the Story : Next time when you have good food, get it packed …

En-Light-enment

It was 8pm last Thursday , while driving back home from work ,I suddenly found an unknown warning light blinking on my dashboard. After a closer look I realized, it was something to do with the brake lights ...... and true to my guess .. found my left brake light at the back kept sleeping , when it was supposed to wake up as i apply my brakes. Now this was a serious issue (although it may sound funny to people who are used to driving back home), because I didn't want any stupid cop to stop me for "visibility violation". Hence decided to have a look once I reach home.

At this point its worth mentioning that ...., when in Durgapur my dad used to drive a Premier Padmini. And minor issues like a fused light , low battery, short spark plugs etc (which were in plenty) .... were taken care of by him inside our small garage itself. So years of experience as my dad's assistant, gave me some idea about these issues in a car.
But this time it was different , I was a little apprehensive to try my tricks on my new Toyota Camry....... after all it wasn't a Padmini !! But as they say ... old habits die hard ... so my Indian roots overcame my "american apprehension" .. and I started working on the brake light .....

The journey started smoothly ... open the hood .. remove the mat .. unscrew the access screws .. and unplug the sensor clip ..... and then .. there u r ... u can actually c the bulbs ...!!!!!! That was exciting .. coz here i was saving around $ 50 !!.. good enough for 5 crates of Guiness !!! But soon my excitement faded away .... and thats because .. I could only get a glimpse of the bulbs .. but could not reach either of them ....
But despite this, I was happy with my effort and contended with the fact that it was nothing to do with the circuits .. and just a fused bulb (which i could see)... I called it a day .. with a Guiness anyways.

By now you must be wondering why am I writing these things ? Well, so here comes the interesting part. ..... Next day , morning , the first think I did was, take my car to the local Toyota Showroom / Dealer, where they made me wait for 2 hrs (since I didn't have an appointment !!!!!! ) and then a smart looking guy .. in those "pit stop" attire, came to fix the problem . I will try and dramatize it .. (although I dont remember the exact dialogues... )

Toyota Guy (TG) : Hello sir ! how may I help you today ?

Me : I have this warning light .. blah blah ... seems to be my back brake light .. blah blah .. seems like the bulb is fused.. i tried .. blah blah .....

TG : Sir , it is dangerous to play with the complicated machinery of your car without proper training. I advice you to please come to us directly, next time there is any problem .

Me : OK !!!!!!!!!!! ( @#%@#$%@#$%#@$)

TG : Why don't you have a seat (pointing towards a chair at the corner, inside the workshop)?

so I sat and watched ......

He started by opening the dashboard first ... looking for any fucked up wire (sorry for the language ! .. thats an expression of my frustration) ... then ..something in the engine !!!!! next it was the circuitry at the back ... accessed from the boot !! ..... AND then .. finally ... after about 1 hr 10 mins ........

TG : Sir , its a simple fused bulb .. I well get that fixed for you right away !!!

Me : Thank you soooooo much !! I knew you guys are trained to do this .. I shouldnt have played with the " complicated machinary " ( .... stupid ass !!!)

and finally THE Bill .... $180 ( $40 new bulb , $ 80 labour charge , $ 60 for some "loose wiring replacement"... which I never knew existed !! )



.. No Wonder .. 70 % of USAs intellectual force consist of foreigners ! .. BUT STILL THEY CAN FIGHT A WAR IN IRAQ WITHOUT A REASON !!!

.. Thank God .. it wasn't a starting problem !!!

A Cooking Calamity..

It all began with a desire... the most inherent desire of mankind. A desire for which we work in the office, for which we educate our selves and for which we create occasions in others lives!! … The desire to eat well!!!

I don’t remember the date (and don’t want to remember either) when the story began. It was one of my regular trips to the local Food Store, when I came across this stuff. Now, before I tell you what followed next, let me explain the psychology that drove me into this….

Recently back from an invigorating trip to Nashville and the Smokey Mountains, I was still loaded with the memories. Beside the natural beauty of the place, another thing that kept coming back, were the delicious preparations which my Scientist Friend Ayan and My Scientist big-sis Sudarshana di (I use “scientist” to mean that they are not Chefs in any Indian restaurant) had prepared at different time points, during the trip. While Ayan had a Keema preparation, Sudarshana di made Mutton Liver.

So, I had a hidden desire in me, to try and prepare these above items so as to satisfy my taste buds, which were still searching for those delicacies. Neways lets come back to the story now. So here I was in a Food Mart, with a burning desire to “eat Better”… and a hidden fantasy for Keema and Mutton Liver!!! Thats when I saw this thing, a cute white box in the “meat” section. I just couldn’t resist myself. It had those words written on it “G R O U N D” (which is basically keema). Little did I realize that it was neither Chicken Keema nor Mutton Liver, rather it was “Ground Chicken Liver”, and that’s not all!!! It had stuffs like Curd and Egg, mixed!!!!!! My confused mind, hidden passions and Scientist mentality (which never works in the lab), forced me to put it in my cart though :(

Back Home with a contended feeling for spotting the stuff that I wanted, I started with great enthusiasm!! Sudarshana Di had said, and ayan had made, the preparations very rich! Therefore with tears dripping, I finished chopping a mountain of onions,chillis etc etc! The cooking began with its usual good smell, when you fry onions with some Masalas (here I must say, I had a heavy dose of masalas put in , in an attempt to make it extra spicy).And finally It was time to open the pack and put the coveted “G R O U N D” stuff into the pan !!!! Like a child opening a box of Ferro Roche, I opened my prized catch!!! BUT… the first look of the stuff inside, made me sad.. it looked bad .. real bad!! I told myself “looks are deceptive”, and went ahead to put it , in my already fried onion and maasala mix !!!

:
:
:

The Gap signifies the shock, I got when I put it in the pan!!! .. It was like a Biological “smell” Weapon!! I was thrown back with the overwhelming (read nauseating) smell!! I had nothing to do!!! I gathered all my strength, and told myself “cooking make things better”.. little did I realize that I was a dumb fool to believe that !!! Even after sweating it out for 2 hours… there was no change in the atmosphere!! The smell was persistent and self generating!!!

That was it …. 2 hrs of my time, 20 litres of sweat, and almost $20 of Spices, resulted in an “alien” delicacy, which may b extra terrestrials would have liked.

So friends what did I do with my marvelous creation??? ..He he !! .. I am intelligent enough to keep it in -20.. who knows may b the smell will “freeze to death” !!!... someday ... :(

Moral of the Story : Next time when you have good food, get it packed …