An Angry Blog... &^%$@%^#$%^* ??

WARNING ! WARNING!: For mature audience only! Contains atrocious words and profanities. Also, this product is meant for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely .......

Before I start ranting this stupendous thought, I would like to say hi to all my readers after a long long hiatus. Yeah .. The last time I posted was way back in the BC. Since then, there has been some significant changes in my life: I got a new house, new job, a wife (new), and a new passion to win the "Worlds' Laziest Ass" competition!! Needless to say, every time during these last few months I opened my blogger account, each time I had the most incandescent idea to write about something! And as a result, today I have a collection of some 7-8 so called "start up blogs".. each spanning a line or two of my deranged imagination. ....BUT THIS ONE I find, was actually "almost" completed a long time back! In fact the date shows that it was a Saturday night and if I remember correctly ..I was a "bit" intoxicated

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While cleaning up my Gmail Inbox some days back, I stumbled upon a treasure trove of thousands of forwarded emails , dating back to 2006 !! I think back in 2006-2007 almost every alternate email that reached my Inbox was a forward sent by someone! Must agree that it was always fun (and rarely helpful) to read SOME of them but most of the time it was pure shit forwarded by some naive person who thought that not doing so would bring him / her crappy luck.
Please note: I have always been A narcissistic douche bag, when it comes to forwarding emails, and therefore, in most cases, declined to return back the favor and share the "joy" of these emails with my friends. In fact there were hardly a few which could actually entertain me.... the rest induced a Rambo like rage in me %^&$%$#&

Here's a flavor of what I unearthed from my Inbox. To be politically correct I will leave it to your imagination to decide which ones I might have liked and which faced the guillotine (delete button):

- Vinod Kambli's wife looking the sluttiest ever.

- Some weirdo's apocalyptic imagination of how the year 3000 would look like, and am not talking about the animation email. (apparently some psychos liked the cluttered skies filled with flying "you-name-it" objects, cars that look like condoms and buildings resembling concentration camps .. and decided to share it with every human being on earth!!!)

- A social message from a dear friend who wanted to warn his fellow dickhead friends (including myself) about the perils of swimming and sun-bathing naked when you are a guy: A news article which talks about an unlucky dumb sucker who got his testicles entangled between 2 slats in a deckchair while sunbathing!!!! The article goes on to explain how swimming naked shrunk them and so they slid through and then how sunbathing brought them back to their normal size.... resulting in a "Got you by the balls!!" situation ( YEAH i DID SAVE THIS ONE .. AND WILL UPLOAD SOON IN FACEBOOK)

- Then someone found pictures taken inside the ill-fated Air France jet, that crashed into the Ocean, minutes before it crashed!! Forces me to think that some people may be utterly obsessed with uploading pics in their Facebook's "Mobile Uploads" album!

- Oh ! And how can I not mention about the plethora of "Myth-buster" emails!... An epic (from one such mail) that I would like to mention here is: "Unlike the general perception, Horses do not have the biggest dicks in the animal kingdom!" (Dont Ask me that stupid question which you are thinking about .. I DONT KNOW)
Wow! really! Thats a Myth-buster!! Some people care about that!!!!....You know what would really suck.. I mean really really suck? Being a Horse with a small p***s. Can you imagine the constant looks of disappointment you would get every time you got down to business? You would always get an, "Oh. I was expecting something. . . well . . . different."
The forward also blamed "some unrealistic movies" (wtf???) for creating this myth. Really! Thanks to that unsung hero (or heroine?) who decided to dispel the myth by initiating the worlds most irritating email that ended up in the mail box of a grumpy bastard like me!!

- And now, BEFORE the "last but not the least" in this illustrious list, comes the type that includes all those:
"cute", "awwwwww", "its so fucking sweet", "angels", "bad people suck", "serve the world", "soaps are made from human fat", "tearjerker stories for jerks", "do not walk on the street..crows are shitting grenades" !!! etc etc etc .......
.... in short the most incredibly meaningless and useless forwards with subject lines that ranged from "MUST READ" to " DUDE YOU WILL DIE OF ANAL ELECTROCUTION IF U DONT OPEN THIS SHIT" (ok that was made up)...
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- That space above is to signify the importance of this last breed of forwards which I am gona talk about now. I call them "Furritatobnoxious" thats FUcking iRRITATing OBNOXIOUS!!!^&$*%&#%^@#
....These are the ones which always TRIED to make you feel the most abhorrent, mean, ignoble bastard ever on earth... because you are just too lazy to forward it to some 1000 people!
Am talking about the ones that TRIED to make me suffer in guilt for not sending out 50 billion forwards sent to me by people who actually believed that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl ..........in the "shittiest place on earth ever", with the crappiest disease, brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad man who kidnapped her while she was in play school, to save his 2 month old Japanese Poodle from dying of a heart ailment that it developed while watching the scariest movie on earth........ will get 6 f**king cents every time they send me the letter!!!!
I always wanted to ask: Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How freaking stupid are you?

I admit that I did it once. But then, that email promised that If I scroll down the page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog!!!!!!..... Now, since am still writing this stupid blog from a half-dead computer... it proves that nothing happened !

That was just a glimpse of what we all went through some years back when forwarded emails were a rage!

..... Well......... I did delete a lot of them and did save some! ... AND I will confess that I do miss some of those good forwards once in a while! They would always make the inbox more interesting. Am sure if you go back and take a look at your mail-boxes you will find how often you used to receive all these forwards and how their numbers went down over the years! The philosopher in me asks the question: Is it because we are getting busier by the day? Is it because people dont care about that little girl anymore? or Is it just the amount of junk that we all deal with everyday that we dont like anymore of it in our mailboxes?? ..... OR is it that no one wants to share their joy anymore ??????
Whatever it is.... trust me ...Its fun to go back and take a look at some of them .... and more fun to delete some with vengeance! ... and even more to talk about them like I did! (the easiest way to write a blog!)
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P.S. Please don't be angry at me for using profanities. Also, please don't curse me for my views (specially if you remember what you had forwarded). AND Please please dont remove me from your forwarding list (if you think its a good one!)
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Comments are always appreciated :) :)..

Super Poopers!!

This post is a result of utter frustration (The reason..I will discuss below and Blogophobia). Perhaps your not familiar with the term "blogaphobia"... it's that feeling when you haven't posted for a while, so there's all this stress built up around whatever it is that you post next... so you continue not to post because you want "just" the right post... and then it's weeks later and you realize that you just have to post something lame and suck it up……..

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Last year a friend of mine had invited me for a Duck hunting trip. Being an animal lover myself.. I had denied this lucrative but insanely outrageous mode of fun! …That was last year….
Just a few days back I called him up, and asked if he was planning the same this year! Unfortunately his sudden flair of wisdom denied me that pleasure of hunting birds ….which I so much wanted this year ☹ ….. JUST AS REVENGE!!!!!

READ ON ....

It all started on the day I got my shining new car and parked it with extra love and care in the designated parking in my apartment. The next morning… a beautiful day of summer … I went out to the parking and almost got a heart attack!! – “Fuck, no!!!!!!!!!!!!” . Bird crap covering the hood. Bird crap down the driver's side window. Bird crap down the passenger's side back window. And the piece de resistance- bird shit right in the middle of my rear window!!!!! All of this in just about 12 hours! What did these birds do, decide to play "Ring Around Souro’s Car"? Did he/she/they pause in between craps just to switch sides? Or maybe there were four of them shitting in unison - perhaps they'd been playing Musical Chairs!!!!! “Fucking flying creatures!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Whatever they were doing, it meant I had to spend half of the morning cleaning my car!

.. So that was the beginning!!! … The relentless attacks and destructive missiles…kept coming from nowhere!!! … I changed my parking spot from below a tree to an open spot … no results! And not only that- it seemed there were some birds trained by the Mossad… coz they made sure that they track me down even at my University parking lot and unleash their furious wrath and “heavy load” !!!
I had always thought that the birds are equal opportunity poopers. BUT I was amazed to find that all the cars surrounding mine were mostly left untouched!!.... If I were in Australia, I could have easily called it a racial attack!


Things have been going the same way for quite sometime…. Until the day before yesterday.. when “they” probably thought about Hitler’s “Final Solution!!”: I had just washed and waxed my car the day before. The next morning I went out and the first thing I discovered was something that looked nothing like bird poop!!!!!!! And at first I wondered if my car had been vandalized!! … My car wasn't just splattered by wayward poop released by a few passing scoundrels!!!!!!.... The entire hood was almost completely covered!! Although the back had a few splatters, it wasn't nearly as bad as the front. It looked like it was covered in vomit or something equally as disgusting!! And to add to that …… as disgusting as it sounds, the spots looked more like leftover chili that had been ground in a blender, with some black pepper and white mayonnaise and randomly splattered on my car!!


The more I thought about the spots on my car, the more I wondered if it had been vandalized. Even though I never went out of my way to examine bird poop, this didn't look like any bird droppings I'd ever seen!!! I hoped it was caused by birds and not an unhappy neighbor who didn't appreciate the blaring Iron Maiden Songs that emanated from my apartment the night before !!!!!!!!
So, I decided to examine the ground to figure out if the splatters I found on my car were bird crap or if my car had been actually vandalized. After investigating the crime scene and the surrounding area (which included the dumpster) I found the same splatters around the dumpster, on the top of the fence that surrounded it, and everywhere beneath the tree. I also noticed another tree of the same type on the other side of the complex, and I examined the ground in that area as well. It was also covered in droppings!! SO, was then .. I was sure that my car had not been vandalized - at least not by humans!! It had in fact been hit with hundreds of bird poop bombs. What a fucking relief!!!!!


Buddhists say things like Wise people know that everything they achieve or fail at in life are only consequences of their own actions and thoughts. But I disagree… I never tried to shit on a bird or throw shit balls at them!!! Somehow birds know when you get a new car. Then they tell their friends “A new bitch in town.. lets POTTY!!!!”!!!! . And then the whole flock of ‘em come and poops all over your car. And some wait until you wash & wax your car real good to drop the load on it!!!!!!


I'm trying to figure out revenge on the little fuckers (hence that hunting trip!!). I'm thinking a bird-only-hearing-range car alarm - one that alternates meowing with ear-splitting beeps (maybe eBay will have one!!). I've had several near misses with birds and turkeys! - If it wouldn't wreck my car, and if I weren't such a damn bleeding-heart, I'd consider not missing next time..

Copa de la Vida ...

Disclaimer: Chatu Da , this is not plagiarism ... as we discussed :)

I still remember (though vaguely) the day Roberto Baggio missed that precious penalty kick allowing the ball to fly over the Brazilian goal by over 1000 yards (exaggeration). It was the final of the 1994 FIFA World Cup and I was with a bunch of my family members enjoying the game at Kolkata (then Calcutta). It was a special occasion for the family too as my aunt was getting married the very next day! I still remember, we had clearly demarcated sitting areas in the room at my GrandaPa's house for the "opposing fans"!! Because of the marriage, a lot of the family had come from different places and it was grand re-union after a long time !! As of me, I was in a state of utter confusion about whom to support ! While the delicious Bourbon biscuits, Chocobar ice creams, roadside fuchkas, candy floss, and Hot Wheel cars came from the "Italian part" of the family ... The "Brazilian section" had HotWheel cars, Toy Guns, protection from mom-dads legitimate scoldings, Rashogolla ( a sweet) and Sandesh (another sweet) among their services!!!!! ..... And to tell you the truth, I still dont remember which side I chose!! But all I remember was the sheer fun of watching my uncles, aunts, cousins, more uncles , more aunts, more cousins .... everyone .. going crazy over a single white Ball!!!!
That probably is the oldest and the sweetest memory of the FIFA World Cup that I have......

When you look back you can almost define the different stages of your life from the different World Cup soccers! Since the 1994 Cup, every single World Cup has been associated with some very cherished memories for me. And every single cup has been a totally new way of entertainment! I remember spending the summer of 1998 in Durgapur, watching the Cup with Dad and some of his and my friends. The Korea -Japan World Cup in 2002 was also spent in Durgapur- following the Cup with my school friends. While the 2006 edition was spent at Gurgaon (my last few months in MS) .... and that was probably the first time when the Soccer + Alcohol combination started :) :)

Although India is a cricket dominated nation, football is almost equally followed.... atleast in the part of the country from where I come from. And specially in this part almost everyone will tell you "proudly" how India had qualified for the 1950 world cup, but couldn't play due to the lack of boots !!! "If they had played , may be they could have been the champions defeating Uruguay!!!!" ... BUT after many years I came to know that India was qualified by default as a result of the withdrawal of all of their scheduled opponents. However, the governing body AIFF decided against going to the World Cup, being unable to understand the importance of the event at that time. The boot story was just another great Indian bureaucratic bull-shit. ... Despite this piece of information being quite well know now, we still are crazy about the World Cups atleast !!!... So whenever there is a world cup soccer, we support "our teams" !!!!!!!

So the question is how do we decide which team to support?? .... And before I tell you what made me support Germany, I will tell you some of the varied reasons why we select a specific team to root for : ... Over the years I have heard reasons that range from .. The style of football to the style statement of a specific player (am not being a sexist .. but thats mostly for girls), from the color of the Jersey to a good friend settled / working in that country, from an ex-great footballer to some great singer/actor in that country, from delicious cuisine to pretty ladies (and that mostly came from guys) !!!!!!!!!!!!
.. So what made me support Germany ? ... As far as my poor memory allows - both me and my brother started supporting Germany from the very day we started following World Cups seriously! .. Back in those days, there used to be a Chewing Gum brand (I dont remember the name) which would give you a photo card of a soccer player with every gum that you buy. AND LET ME TELL U ... IT WAS A VERY BIG THING .. back then! People (read friends) would exchange cards all the time with sheer corporate planning ... there would be bets on cards .. and even school soccer matches would end with a card exchange (always in favor of the winning team)!!!! Someone who possessed the max number of Maradona cards, was the unsaid ruler!!! Similarly someone who possessed cards for all the playing 11 from a big team like Brazil, Argentina, Germany, Italy etc was considered very powerful!
....... So back in those days of card collection, we came across 2 cards of these 2 German players named Jürgen Klinsmann and Lothar Matthaus (Yeah thats the spelling). I still remember the pictures had an awe-inspiring effect on us!!!! ... Firstly Matthaus had an uncanny resemblance with Arnold Schwarzenegger (remember it was the Commando and Terminator era!!!), while Klinsmann's picture had something in it which evoked sympathy + we liked his jersey too !!!!!!!!!!!! That was it !!! ... we had got our team and so started the cheering .... which have lasted over the years and is present even today !!!!! Although the reasons have changed ..... while it started with the resemblance to a film star and the jersey + sympathy factor ..... more reasons were added in the following years ...the style of german football being the biggest. And then after many years the "cute chicks" factor was added to the list recently.
( I searched the internet for hours to find that picture which I strongly believe (as far as I can remember) were there in those cards ..... and I have uploaded those in this blog).

... Every year after the Cup is over, there is a feeling of emptiness and a little sadness. The idea that this is going to be back again after 4 years is kind of depressing. Specially if you enjoy it to the fullest with a whole bunch of people (as I have done in every World Cup including this one), then once its all over you tend to miss that bonhomie. When I look back to the previous world cups, I remember some faces , which are associated with the individual tournaments that suddenly flashes every 4 years!! People whom you remember only when you think about a particular world cup and how you had enjoyed it! ........

So ladies and gentlemen, dont miss this chance to join with others and go crazy for "your team" !!!... Remember its every 4 years... so manage your work, bf, gf, chats, chores, food, dinner, lunch etc etc .... and enjoy the game ... and SUPPORT GERMANY !! :)

.. Wishing you all a very memorable World Cup ... may you all make new friends .. whom you will eventually forget for the next 4 years ... until the next edition in Brazil ..


Copa de la Vida ... means ... The Cup of Life ....