The "Naivest" Man

" Thats a cross between a lion and a Wolf !!!!! " .. he said. "Wow!!.. quite a thing!" we replied, looking at the Dachshund (Smooth)[here you must check out Google to get a glimpse of this beast.. trust me , U MUST !!]. So, that was the day when I realized: you don't have to be stupid , to be naive .. you just need an immense trust on people, a big heart and a saint-ish belief that all living beings are good !! Because the person am talking bout here had enough intelligence to teach a bunch of crazy lunatics a subject called maths! And among those lunatics, barring a few , rather 2 to be precise, rest all had the urge and the tenacity to learn about numbers! ...... But yet he sacrificed all his judgmental abilities to believe what his neighbor had said about their pet.. the Dachshund!

This is a tribute to the "naivest" and "simplest" human being I have ever known in the past 27 years of my existence on this planet... Konar Sir.

As most of my dear friends know that my brother and me had above average intelligence when it came to mathematics! Therefore to further hone our skills we joined the tuition classes of Mr. Konar. My friend Aveek also joined the same batch with us, and am sure will keep regretting that decision as long as he is sane. Because if not for us, he would have learned some more maths than what he did.

We first got the taste of Konar sir's naivety during an early morning class one day. It was circa 1999-2000, and TB6 was reigning the masses (for those who are unaware of TB6 pls use google). So naturally a large part of the pre-class adda was dedicated to discussions on TB6 ... and that day was no different.
(I am going to write this discussion in Beng-lish, rest everything will be in English)
"baba sourojit .. baba aveek .. TB6 ki re ?" .. suddenly sir asked ( we were unaware that he was standing behind us)
"sir, ota kichu na .. ota national geographic er ekta sister channel", prompt came the reply from ingenious Aveek
"ohh!! tai !!! baah baah .... ta ki ki dekhay ote?", Sir asked
"All natural stuff sir !!!! shob natural jinish patro!!... ei dhorun evolution theke shuru kore population obdhi shob!!", .. I said
"ohh tai bujhi !! aacha tahole ajkei ami amar cable-wala ke bolbo TB6 dite" !!!!!!!
(we never really tried to find out what happened next)

Arijit's Australia trip and the kangaroo Incident:

Since that event, we were sure that Sir was oblivious of everything on this earth except mathematics. So quite often we would discuss TB6, Debonair (magazine), Mermaid (magazine), kamona-bashona (novel) etc , and sir would enthusiastically take part in our discussion to quench his thirst for knowledge. Sometime he would even note down the names of these "educational movies and magazines' with an aim to look for them in Kolkata's College street during his next visit.
Things were going fine and smooth ... and we were now a little bored .. we wanted some new excitement ... Finally it happened:
It was a chilly morning in the January of 2000. Indian cricket team was touring Australia and the telecast would start early in the morning in India. It was also the time when my dadu (maternal grandfather) had an angioplasty in Vellore and so Arijit (my twin bro) went to vellore with my Dad. Konar sir used to take the classes very early in the morning, and on that fateful day, we all saw India being completely devastated by the Aussie pace attack, before we started for the class. So the general mood in the class was gloomy... very gloomy . (remember cricket was a religion for us back then!!!)
[ I will translate this discussion in English]
Sir: What happened to you all? Why are you guys looking so sad ?

Someone (I dnt remember who it was): Sir ..... Sir ... there is a bad news ... (!!!!!!!!)
We all could sense that something was coming ...

Sir: what happened !!!!?????????

That Someone: Sir ... Arijit .. Arijit is .....

Sir : WHAT ???????? TELL ME ??????
(we all were dumbstruck and quite....we didn't know what was happening)

That Someone: Sir... Arijit has been beaten by a Kangaroo !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Now that was it !!!!!! ..... everyone was trying to turn their head 360 degs and laugh!!!)

Sir: What??????? I don't understand !!!!
(it was my turn now....)

Me: Sir .. actually we forgot to tell u that Arijit won the Brittania contest and went to Australia to watch India play. Now there I told him to be careful ... but you know how he is ... he went to a safari ... and saw some kangaroo kids playing .. so he wanted to take one of the kids back home with him and also wanted to have a joy ride in the pouch of the big kangaroo!!!! ... he ran towards them .. and the father kangaroo .... sensing danger .. bit him !!!!!!!!!!! ( I still dunno where this story came from!!!)

[Pin drop silence]

Sir: Oh My God (OMG) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What are you saying !!! OMG !! How is he?? How bad is the cut ?? is he in a lot of pain? Where did it bite him ??

[ Now that was the point when we almost collapsed trying to control our laughter!!!! he actually had believed a complete bullshit story!!! .. we actually had devised a new source of fun!!!!!]

Me: Sir !! Sir!!! please calm down !!! control yourself !! he is fine now!! .. I talked with him today morning , he said it bit him in ... bit him in his .. in his .. ASS!!!!... and he also said that it was not painful at all!! rather he felt a little ticklish when the kangaroo bit him .. he realized later that it was actually a bite and not a lick!!!

[ha ha ha ha ha !!!!!! god it was all happening] ...

So, for the next few day all of us would stretch our imaginations to the fullest and tell stories from Australia (apparently heard from Arijit). I don't remember how long this went , but it ended when one fine morning Arijit re-joined the classes.."limping" (!!!!!!!!)

Konar Sir could never even think that someone can lie to him! His world, his perceptions and his ideas were as pure as his love and respect for his profession. For, how on earth could he believe the fact that a class XII student actually showed a "complaint letter" written to his parents and got it signed by them !!! Or how could he NOT believe that it was not the concerned students' dad ... but the student himself, talking with him over the phone !!!

After leaving school, I have tried to visit him whenever I went to Durgapur. But the last time I saw him was almost 5-6 years back. But still today whenever I do even a little of maths (the kind needed for my work).. I still remember that 5.5 ft tall figure... in crisp white "Dhuti-Panjabi" .. and with the most harmless and heart warming smile ..

The Twin Paradox

Statutory warning: This has nothing to do with Einstein's Theory of Relativity

Over the years I have come across a lot of inquisitive souls. And the most commonly asked question has been about my childhood: how it was to grow up with a photocopy/mirror image of myself or in short "How it feels to grow up with an identical twin?" .. and so I thought of writing this ... just to give them a glimpse ... after all you don't get to see a lot of identical twins around! ......

We came into this world in the August of 1982, weighing four and a half pounds each; with hard little knots of muscle in our arms and legs that our mother said came from fighting in the womb. And I think she was correct, because we were the living embodiment of the cliché about brothers who beat the hell out of each other but team up to defend each other against anyone else.

Most of our early childhood was spent on risking life and limb with daredevil stunts. Like the time we saw that man on TV (later I knew he was Mr. AB) beating hell out of another guy, and went to the bedroom and tried to cut off each others head by using a sliding door of the dressing table! We were pretty good, as well as I can recall; we came really close, but nobody got beheaded that day. In the later years our fights became more competitive, I exactly knew what his next move would be ... and so did he !! Therefore in most cases the result was a bi-lateral damage and mostly needed a third party intervention with force (read mom or dad or both)!!!

Being kids we thought that we have supernatural powers. This idea was further re-inforced by the hindi movies (specially the 70s,80s n mid 90s stuff) where they showed the highest level of wireless communication possible :... yess between twin brothers! We saw twins transferring data, sound, videos (probably more than 1000 GBs!!)etc etc etc ... just by thought!!! Needless to say, after several failed attempts (specially during exams) to replicate the superhuman feats depicted by those human beings on screen, we were convinced that reality sucks. But people around us didn’t seem to believe that! Because they kept asking "Do u feel the pain if someone pinches your bro?"(!!!!@#$%@#$%) . Now I wish I could say "Yes" .. and make a fool out of them!!! .. But, back in those days, I was not that mean ! (am talking about III-IV standard).

Although mother nature didn’t allow us the supernatural powers, but it did give us an added advantage over others, and that is the “confusion” associated with identical twins like us: Teachers, friends, x, y, z ... no one can call you by your name. Everyone seems to be apprehensive - in case they "hurt your sentiments" by calling you by your brother's name!! For most of our childhood, teachers, friends and some relatives tended to address us as if we were one person! BUT to tell you the truth it never mattered to us! On the contrary, this confusion helped me more than once when I was a kid, like when I committed some crime in school.. and my naive brother faced the consequences !!!! Therefore as a kid it was a good cover for both of us .. depending on the situation :)

By now, you must be jealous of all the twins in this world! So, to make you guys feel a little better I will tell you that everything was not that smooth and fun. Being twins has its downside too: First, when you are a kid you are MADE to wear similar dresses.. and hence you become the center of public attention everywhere. Now that’s the norm for all twin kids … people around you seem to enjoy the ‘double trouble’ !!! But ask any twins and am sure you will understand how frustrating it is!! Then as you grow up you gain your "rights" and can now stand up against the "inhuman dressing torture" inflicted by your parents .. so you consciously wear different colors and dresses . But now that you are growing up, you have to pay the price for it. And like all of you, bhowmick twins also had to pay the price:
Firstly, we both got caught more than any of the other trouble-makers did in school, because everybody recognized us. Someone would see a bunch of boys bunking classes or involved in a fight, or whatever the particular offense was, and call the authorities to report: "I saw a bunch of boys doing (whatever). I couldn’t recognize any of them, but I know the Bhowmick twins were there (even if only 1 of us was present)." The Bhowmick twins always got caught, even when we weren’t guilty. If there were any two boys in a group who happened to look alike, the Bhowmick twins got the blame !!!

Secondly, while Bhowmick twins were a strong united force against any enemy, they started having issues as they grew up, which resulted in occasional disputes among them: I must mention here (and you will know why) that all this happened for the last time in college ... and thankfully it has never happened again. But this was an issue that kept us busy from school days till the last day in college (before we got physically separated by distance). The problem was .. our similar genetics always made us admire the same girl !!!! ... Wait !! dont get a shock !! .. I told you it stopped at the end of college!! So STOP your imagination from going wild !!!! Anyways, we soon found a solution to this problem !! - Thankfully there were more than one name.. "almost" EVERY TIME and so we always had an EASY SOLUTION when the number was EVEN .. BUT in case of ODD numbers, it was a diplomatic nightmare! Under such circumstances the deal generally made sure that "you pay a heavy price for attending the 'target' un-interrupted" .. that meant loosing your rights to choose a dress, shoes, watches or even the "equal share of cigarettes and pegs" ... for almost a month! Hence, a detailed scrutiny of the "subject" involved was mandatory before you sign the deal (NB: For women activists: please dont screw me for these words, its a joke after all!!) .... Good old days !!! :(

(I can go on and on and on writing about the exploits of and the experience of being the Bhowmick Twins, but am sure that some of my readers are slowly moving towards that little red cross sign at the top right corner of this page. So ... I will try and wrap it up ..)

Today when I look back I realize how important it is to have a twin brother. Because when you are a kid or a teen (the two most vulnerable stages of life) its your twin who is the only person on earth who can understand you the best. He is the only person with whom you can share anything and everything AND he is the only person who ensures that you always have a "partner in crime" ... and hence that way the "punishment" gets shared!!! (Even if it involves the heinous crime of "re-scoring" the mark sheets.. or bunking the ever boring Brilliant's / NICS exams !!) .
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Ask me, and I will say, those were the wonder years! Although things have changed now e.g we do not fall for the same girl anymore except for gals like ……. (that’s a classified info), we do not look exactly same now, and the Bhowmick Twins are no more the “notorious” bhowmick Twins, BUT as they say , old habits die hard .. still today if I make a mistake …… its always his idea ;)

The Fokker 50

Ever since I started flying a bit frequently I got more and more hooked up to those creepy television series like Aircrash Investigations (Discovery channel), Minutes before disaster (discovery again?) etc. Ironically though, these programs made me more worried than ever before. e.g: after watching an aircraft crash due to ice formation on its wings, I was so paranoid that last December (while flying back to India) I kept looking through my window for any ice on the wings !!!! My fear seems to increase exponentially when flying over large water bodies than over land !! This might sound stupid to many of you but I have a smart reason for that: ... am a bad swimmer and afraid of sharks!!! This "aero-hydro-phobia" led me to continually scan the waters of Lake Michigan for any "spots" (boats, ships etc??) while crossing it on my way to CA last summer !!! One more factor that adds up to my fear is the kind of aircraft am flying in ! For some unknown reason I feel totally unsafe inside those turbo-prop small aircrafts (the ones with propellers). They look more like toys and totally unworthy to carry people. What if you look through the window and one of those big fans suddenly stop rotating !!!

Now that I explained the nature of my aviophobia, let me come to the main story....

May 5th, 2009, San Juan Airport, Puerto Rico: After a 4 hr flight from NYC, here I was at Puerto Rico, waiting for my connecting flight to Antigua (West Indies). There was a 3 hours lay over and I was thirsty..
It didnt take long to locate the only bar inside the lounge area. Now when in Puerto Rico, its a crime not to have a local Rum Punch!!! .. specially when Rum being their national drink! So after a lot of "gracias .. gracias", I came out of the bar contended: 3 absolutely refreshing rum punches (the best I ever had till then) in a flat 60 mins...
Back at the gate I took a seat facing the runway. It was a cloudy day and it was drizzling outside. If not for the rum, I would have started thinking about my swimming skills by now!!

So after waiting for almost an hour, I first saw "it" : a rickety, old and almost collapsing figure ... she was marching very very slowly towards our gate .. " GOD! NOT THIS ONE !" .....
But when the turbo-prop Fokker 50 came and stopped near our gate, I was sure ... "thats it ... I will be crossing a part of the Atlantic (2 hrs) in probably the worst aircraft one can ever imagine , and on top of that its a turbo-prop AND TO MAKE THINGS WORSE - the weather is absolutely crappy !!!". Although my e-ticket had told me that it would be an ATR-72-500!!! My first reaction was to look for a local map of the islands and see if there is any land in between San Juan and Antigua (I was almost certain that a crash landing is imminent!).... "What the F@#$ !!!" I thought, "How irresponsible!! .. they want people to fly in these pre-historic flying objects .. and plan a route which starts and ends on a runway WITH ONLY WATER IN BETWEEN!!!!!! " .. My mind was clouded with thoughts and questions "what if .....????"

Ever since I was a kid, I have been interested in aircrafts.. mostly military aircrafts though. But off late I developed this habit of reading about the craft in which I am supposed to fly (yeah! they give you the aircraft name in the e-ticket). Now you can describe this as a part of my aviophobia or my hobby ... even I dunno the answer!! Anyways,I knew these Fokkers run on Pratt & Whitney turbo props (not the reliable names like GE, Rolls Royce or Boeing), so the question was how long can it float if/when the fans stop rotating!!!???! Does it have life vests inside? what if the weather asks for an immediate landing !!! ... I was sweating, tensed and and and rum-med ...

"Passengers of Flight 5052 to St. John's, Antigua, please proceed for boarding" ...
the announcement broke my train of thoughts. For the first time in my life I was boarding an aircraft where I had seat 1 A (the first row after cockpit , since there was no executive class) but I was the first person to board!!!! because: The boarding was from the door at the back (apparently there is no other cabin door in these aircrafts except the emergency ones). The seat beside me remained empty even after the cabin doors were closed, "which means, I dont have to help anyone unlock his/her seat belt when the time comes!!!" .. well thats a good beginning %$@#@$%!!
I tried to make myself comfortable, fastened my seat belt and waited for the plane to start rolling. Just when I started to feel a little better, there came an announcement from the flight attended which raised my BP for the next 2 hours: "Ladies and gentlemen, since we do not have a packed flight today and some seats are empty, we need to re-arrange the sitting ..SO THAT WE CAN BALANCE THE WEIGHT INSIDE THE CABIN" . ....... AND .... I ALMOST FELL FROM MY SEAT!!!!!! These kind of an announcements not only make you anxious but raise serious questions about the aircraft's reliability as a means of public transport over the atlantic !!! "GOD SAVE ME!!... I HAVENT EVEN TICKED THE FIRST POINT IN MY BUCKET LIST !! THIS IS TOO EARLY !!! .. I DONT WANT TO BE A FOOD FOR THE SHARKS !!" :(

The take off was smoother than I expected!! But within 5 mins after taking off we could feel the air turbulence. The pilot announced that weather will remain almost the same for the next 2 hours, so we are supposed to keep our belts fastened throughout. But everytime there was a vibration ... I was getting ready to unfasten my seat belt so that when we land on the water I can dash for the nearest exit!!! Although, even after 35-40 mins that crash landing didnt happen and the plane was still flying - so I felt a little better, closed my eyes and started enjoying the rum :). It might have been about an hour or so .... because I woke up with an announcement that we will be touching down in another 20 mins. "Yes! its over !! But still a slight fear remains : bad weather, wet runways and a turbo-prop aircraft is not a very good combo" (thats what I had gathered from Discovery's Air crash Investigation series!!)

We could feel the loss in altitude as we descended towards the small island of Antigua. It was cloudy but sometimes we could get a glimpse of the pristine blue waters and the white sand beaches. It was breathtaking and only appeared for a few seconds. In another 60 seconds we were close to the airport and flying at a very low altitude, just about to touch down ....... and then it happened...
suddenly the aircraft started to bank on the left .. "a routine maneuver may be" .. I thought, but then it started swaying towards the right!!! I could see the runway below , and I could almost visualize a scene from one of the episodes: An aircraft swaying badly while touchdown.. hits the runway- wing first ... and topples!!!

As we neared the surface the sway became more and more drastic! It was as if the wings were actually going to hit the ground! There was suddenly a pin-drop silence inside the cabin! I looked towards the air hostess- And, when you see the air hostesses sitting with their legs tightly closed , and hands clasping very very close to their body and that plastic smile no more on their faces ... you can sense immediately that something is wrong!!! The aircraft was swaying vehemently .. if I remember correctly, we were just about 70-80 feet above the runway!!! "Thats it.. will crash in a few seconds!!" ....... Then in a flash I felt an immense thrust ... the force nailed me against the seat ...Almost everyone shrieked!! The aircraft was suddenly climbing up again at almost a 70 degree angle and with tremendous force!!!! It was like sitting on a huge swing! One moment you are coming down and the next you are going up with a heavy acceleration!... "An aborted landing!!! Probably they coudnt manage the first one and are now going in for a second attempt!"... We again climbed into the clouds.
I was scared and I must admit that a lot of faces of my near and dear ones, friends and family were flashing in my mind! The silence continued.. no one was in a state to utter a word.. except some occasional "shit" and "god" !! Later I thought the former must have been an atheist!!

Although you expect some voice from the cockpit in situations like these, but there was none! This transpired as a sign of tension inside the cockpit too! After hovering in the clouds for about 5 mins, we again started to descend.... the second attempt for a landing! As the runway became visible and we started loosing altitude I closed my eyes. I could feel the craft vibrating .. a slight sway to the left, then left again ... and then almost immediately the "thud" ... it was harsh!! shook everything inside!! But we were on the runway!!!! It took a few seconds for all the passengers to realize that we had touched down safely .. and the claps started ! ... The aircraft slowed down... "Ladies and Gentlemen Welcome to St. John's Antigua" .. the voice from the cockpit said .... and then it added "Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while we taxi what's left of our airplane to the gate!" ... .. yeah right !

After I came out of the plane, I met a few people who were also traveling to Antigua for the same purpose as mine. And needless to say our eventful flight became a topic of discussion for the next 3 days!!

Later when the flight became famous among everyone in the conference (for which I was there), one of the pretty French faces asked me "Were you scared? God! I would have been scared to death!!"
"Well yeah, may be the same would have happened to me if I was unaware of the situation. But I knew it was common .. they show it all the time in Discovery channel!!!!"

.. afterall I was right ! .. I think I was the most prepared than anyone else in that flight! ... Because I was the only person who was sure that we were crashing ... MORE THAN ONCE !!

And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube over the atlantic, I hope you'll be smart enough to wear those life vests before hand. ... just in case!