Saturday, August 20, 2011

To Mr. Hazare,

Dear Mr. Hazare,

First of all I would like to mention that I AM NOT AGAINST YOU or your Ideologies or your "Fight Against Corruption". I wanted to mention this specially because some of your supporters, might call me "unpatriotic" after reading this. And being in a civil society like ours, I would hate to be trampled by a Mob just because they thought I am not supporting your cause and hence am not Indian enough!

I have tremendous respect for you and would like to thank you for the work that you have done for our country so selflessly over the years! To me, your movement for the "RTI Act" has been the pinnacle of your success as a crusader for the people. Hats-off to you that you still have the guts to stand and fight the Govt. ... something which even the richest and most established Indians fail to do.

Some wise man once said somewhere that "A movement can only be successful when the timing is right". What better example than your current demonstrations for a strong "Jan Lokpal Bill" !! I am ever grateful to you for choosing the correct time-Just after the Cricket World Cup - to begin your Anti-Corruption Movement! Although corruption has been in our country since the days of the Ramayana and Mahabharata ... but the month of April 2011 was probably one of those very few times when we Indians, for once, behaved like "Indians"! The time couldnt have been more apt to start a peoples' movement! Your cry against corruption on April 5th 2011, captured the imagination of a nation that was still in a party mode after that historic Win 3 days back!. It was simply a master stroke and I bow down before you for that.

But since that day, the one question that keeps on bothering me whenever I see / read / hear about your fight is that what are we fighting against / for ????
Are all those people flocking every single demonstration in your name, even know what they are shouting for? .....Do we want to eradicate corruption? or want a super-strong Jan Lokpal Bill? Coz to my limited understanding, I think the two are very different aims.
Although I know pundits will say that a strong Jan Lokpal Bill is the key to exterminating corruption in India, but Sir, am sorry I cannot agree to that. What you are proposing and your supporters are supporting (many without even a clue), is an utopian system where you think that having a LAW to punish the the lawmakers will solve the age old problem of corruption in our beloved motherland!

You propose that the Lokpal will be supervised by the Cabinet Secretary and the Election Commission. As a result, it will be completely independent of the government and free from ministerial influence in its investigations..... REALLY !!! I dont buy that!.. Atleast being an Indian I CANNOT believe that "ANY" form of civil institution in India can be free from ministerial influence!

You mentioned that Members will be appointed by judges, Indian Administrative Service officers with a clean record, private citizens and constitutional authorities through a transparent and participatory process. Sir, with due respect, we average Indians are more interested to look after our family and our well-being than that of the countries'!... If I were a member of the Lokpal and was "advised" by the "Well Wishers" of a minister to play-down the complaints against him / her, .... I am sorry to say BUT I will do that coz probably I love my family more than the country. How do you expect a normal citizen and the Lokpal to withstand the muscle and money power of a politician? Am sure, there will be people who will be "Bhagat Singhs" ... and I WILL BE THE HAPPIEST if you find 1000s of such Bhagat Singhs to work at every strata of the Lokayukta / Lokpal system.

I too, like every other Indian want to see the end of corruption, nepotism etc etc ..... but am just now sure how another Bill / agency.. will be successful in doing so! Am not sure how will you stop that truck driver from paying Rs. 10 hafta to the local constable every-time he passes the constables' "thana" !? How will you stop me from paying an extra Rs 400 to the conductor in train , to find a berth to sleep?? Are you sure your Bill will take care of these ? If Yes ... I will remove all deities from my house and worship your pictures instead!

I re-iterate that am NOT against a strong Lokpal Bill, neither am against anti-corruption, am just not comfortable with the idea that a strong Lokpal Bill is the answer to the problem.

Before I end I have a request: Mr. Hazare, with your conviction and mass appeal, can you please start another movement called "WE WILL NOT BRIBE" after this one is over? Can you please tell all those people flocking the Jantar Mantar, India Gate, Ramlila Maidan that ONLY the bill is not a solution? Can you please, for once, motivate your people not to pay bribes? Of all your speeches that I have heard.. I never heard you saying that "charity begins at home ...please stop bribing even the local policeman" ...!!! I have never heard you say "If your uncle is a Minister, please dont use his reference to geta govt. job"! Am sure you words will act like magic now !! Please motivate your people not to pay bribes .... and not to support nepotism! Please tell them that the Bill is just a mere tool for our self realization .... which we fools have failed to understand! Today we all are shouting in unison for a system run by the people for the people... but even before the bill is passed (IF you succeed)... please make sure those people involved are not "average" Indians like me. And for that we need you to tell us that Lokpal Bill is NOT the solution. I know you are trying to introduce yet another "system" to fight corruption .. all I want from you as a leader is .. change the existing system ..
Please just make sure that all those supporters of you dont go back home and "buy" a competitive seat or pay that extra 50 bucks to expedite their files in govt. offices....

Wish you success and hoping the Jan Lokpal Bill finally comes through ..

-An average Indian

Thursday, July 28, 2011

An Angry Blog... &^%$@%^#$%^* ??

WARNING ! WARNING!: For mature audience only! Contains atrocious words and profanities. Also, this product is meant for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely .......

Before I start ranting this stupendous thought, I would like to say hi to all my readers after a long long hiatus. Yeah .. The last time I posted was way back in the BC. Since then, there has been some significant changes in my life: I got a new house, new job, a wife (new), and a new passion to win the "Worlds' Laziest Ass" competition!! Needless to say, every time during these last few months I opened my blogger account, each time I had the most incandescent idea to write about something! And as a result, today I have a collection of some 7-8 so called "start up blogs".. each spanning a line or two of my deranged imagination. ....BUT THIS ONE I find, was actually "almost" completed a long time back! In fact the date shows that it was a Saturday night and if I remember correctly ..I was a "bit" intoxicated


While cleaning up my Gmail Inbox some days back, I stumbled upon a treasure trove of thousands of forwarded emails , dating back to 2006 !! I think back in 2006-2007 almost every alternate email that reached my Inbox was a forward sent by someone! Must agree that it was always fun (and rarely helpful) to read SOME of them but most of the time it was pure shit forwarded by some naive person who thought that not doing so would bring him / her crappy luck.
Please note: I have always been A narcissistic douche bag, when it comes to forwarding emails, and therefore, in most cases, declined to return back the favor and share the "joy" of these emails with my friends. In fact there were hardly a few which could actually entertain me.... the rest induced a Rambo like rage in me %^&$%$#&

Here's a flavor of what I unearthed from my Inbox. To be politically correct I will leave it to your imagination to decide which ones I might have liked and which faced the guillotine (delete button):

- Vinod Kambli's wife looking the sluttiest ever.

- Some weirdo's apocalyptic imagination of how the year 3000 would look like, and am not talking about the animation email. (apparently some psychos liked the cluttered skies filled with flying "you-name-it" objects, cars that look like condoms and buildings resembling concentration camps .. and decided to share it with every human being on earth!!!)

- A social message from a dear friend who wanted to warn his fellow dickhead friends (including myself) about the perils of swimming and sun-bathing naked when you are a guy: A news article which talks about an unlucky dumb sucker who got his testicles entangled between 2 slats in a deckchair while sunbathing!!!! The article goes on to explain how swimming naked shrunk them and so they slid through and then how sunbathing brought them back to their normal size.... resulting in a "Got you by the balls!!" situation ( YEAH i DID SAVE THIS ONE .. AND WILL UPLOAD SOON IN FACEBOOK)

- Then someone found pictures taken inside the ill-fated Air France jet, that crashed into the Ocean, minutes before it crashed!! Forces me to think that some people may be utterly obsessed with uploading pics in their Facebook's "Mobile Uploads" album!

- Oh ! And how can I not mention about the plethora of "Myth-buster" emails!... An epic (from one such mail) that I would like to mention here is: "Unlike the general perception, Horses do not have the biggest dicks in the animal kingdom!" (Dont Ask me that stupid question which you are thinking about .. I DONT KNOW)
Wow! really! Thats a Myth-buster!! Some people care about that!!!!....You know what would really suck.. I mean really really suck? Being a Horse with a small p***s. Can you imagine the constant looks of disappointment you would get every time you got down to business? You would always get an, "Oh. I was expecting something. . . well . . . different."
The forward also blamed "some unrealistic movies" (wtf???) for creating this myth. Really! Thanks to that unsung hero (or heroine?) who decided to dispel the myth by initiating the worlds most irritating email that ended up in the mail box of a grumpy bastard like me!!

- And now, BEFORE the "last but not the least" in this illustrious list, comes the type that includes all those:
"cute", "awwwwww", "its so fucking sweet", "angels", "bad people suck", "serve the world", "soaps are made from human fat", "tearjerker stories for jerks", "do not walk on the street..crows are shitting grenades" !!! etc etc etc .......
.... in short the most incredibly meaningless and useless forwards with subject lines that ranged from "MUST READ" to " DUDE YOU WILL DIE OF ANAL ELECTROCUTION IF U DONT OPEN THIS SHIT" (ok that was made up)...

- That space above is to signify the importance of this last breed of forwards which I am gona talk about now. I call them "Furritatobnoxious" thats FUcking iRRITATing OBNOXIOUS!!!^&$*%&#%^@#
....These are the ones which always TRIED to make you feel the most abhorrent, mean, ignoble bastard ever on earth... because you are just too lazy to forward it to some 1000 people!
Am talking about the ones that TRIED to make me suffer in guilt for not sending out 50 billion forwards sent to me by people who actually believed that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl the "shittiest place on earth ever", with the crappiest disease, brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad man who kidnapped her while she was in play school, to save his 2 month old Japanese Poodle from dying of a heart ailment that it developed while watching the scariest movie on earth........ will get 6 f**king cents every time they send me the letter!!!!
I always wanted to ask: Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How freaking stupid are you?

I admit that I did it once. But then, that email promised that If I scroll down the page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog!!!!!!..... Now, since am still writing this stupid blog from a half-dead computer... it proves that nothing happened !

That was just a glimpse of what we all went through some years back when forwarded emails were a rage!

..... Well......... I did delete a lot of them and did save some! ... AND I will confess that I do miss some of those good forwards once in a while! They would always make the inbox more interesting. Am sure if you go back and take a look at your mail-boxes you will find how often you used to receive all these forwards and how their numbers went down over the years! The philosopher in me asks the question: Is it because we are getting busier by the day? Is it because people dont care about that little girl anymore? or Is it just the amount of junk that we all deal with everyday that we dont like anymore of it in our mailboxes?? ..... OR is it that no one wants to share their joy anymore ??????
Whatever it is.... trust me ...Its fun to go back and take a look at some of them .... and more fun to delete some with vengeance! ... and even more to talk about them like I did! (the easiest way to write a blog!)

P.S. Please don't be angry at me for using profanities. Also, please don't curse me for my views (specially if you remember what you had forwarded). AND Please please dont remove me from your forwarding list (if you think its a good one!)
Comments are always appreciated :) :)..

Friday, September 3, 2010

Super Poopers!!

This post is a result of utter frustration (The reason..I will discuss below and Blogophobia). Perhaps your not familiar with the term "blogaphobia"... it's that feeling when you haven't posted for a while, so there's all this stress built up around whatever it is that you post next... so you continue not to post because you want "just" the right post... and then it's weeks later and you realize that you just have to post something lame and suck it up……..


Last year a friend of mine had invited me for a Duck hunting trip. Being an animal lover myself.. I had denied this lucrative but insanely outrageous mode of fun! …That was last year….
Just a few days back I called him up, and asked if he was planning the same this year! Unfortunately his sudden flair of wisdom denied me that pleasure of hunting birds ….which I so much wanted this year ☹ ….. JUST AS REVENGE!!!!!

READ ON ....

It all started on the day I got my shining new car and parked it with extra love and care in the designated parking in my apartment. The next morning… a beautiful day of summer … I went out to the parking and almost got a heart attack!! – “Fuck, no!!!!!!!!!!!!” . Bird crap covering the hood. Bird crap down the driver's side window. Bird crap down the passenger's side back window. And the piece de resistance- bird shit right in the middle of my rear window!!!!! All of this in just about 12 hours! What did these birds do, decide to play "Ring Around Souro’s Car"? Did he/she/they pause in between craps just to switch sides? Or maybe there were four of them shitting in unison - perhaps they'd been playing Musical Chairs!!!!! “Fucking flying creatures!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Whatever they were doing, it meant I had to spend half of the morning cleaning my car!

.. So that was the beginning!!! … The relentless attacks and destructive missiles…kept coming from nowhere!!! … I changed my parking spot from below a tree to an open spot … no results! And not only that- it seemed there were some birds trained by the Mossad… coz they made sure that they track me down even at my University parking lot and unleash their furious wrath and “heavy load” !!!
I had always thought that the birds are equal opportunity poopers. BUT I was amazed to find that all the cars surrounding mine were mostly left untouched!!.... If I were in Australia, I could have easily called it a racial attack!

Things have been going the same way for quite sometime…. Until the day before yesterday.. when “they” probably thought about Hitler’s “Final Solution!!”: I had just washed and waxed my car the day before. The next morning I went out and the first thing I discovered was something that looked nothing like bird poop!!!!!!! And at first I wondered if my car had been vandalized!! … My car wasn't just splattered by wayward poop released by a few passing scoundrels!!!!!!.... The entire hood was almost completely covered!! Although the back had a few splatters, it wasn't nearly as bad as the front. It looked like it was covered in vomit or something equally as disgusting!! And to add to that …… as disgusting as it sounds, the spots looked more like leftover chili that had been ground in a blender, with some black pepper and white mayonnaise and randomly splattered on my car!!

The more I thought about the spots on my car, the more I wondered if it had been vandalized. Even though I never went out of my way to examine bird poop, this didn't look like any bird droppings I'd ever seen!!! I hoped it was caused by birds and not an unhappy neighbor who didn't appreciate the blaring Iron Maiden Songs that emanated from my apartment the night before !!!!!!!!
So, I decided to examine the ground to figure out if the splatters I found on my car were bird crap or if my car had been actually vandalized. After investigating the crime scene and the surrounding area (which included the dumpster) I found the same splatters around the dumpster, on the top of the fence that surrounded it, and everywhere beneath the tree. I also noticed another tree of the same type on the other side of the complex, and I examined the ground in that area as well. It was also covered in droppings!! SO, was then .. I was sure that my car had not been vandalized - at least not by humans!! It had in fact been hit with hundreds of bird poop bombs. What a fucking relief!!!!!

Buddhists say things like Wise people know that everything they achieve or fail at in life are only consequences of their own actions and thoughts. But I disagree… I never tried to shit on a bird or throw shit balls at them!!! Somehow birds know when you get a new car. Then they tell their friends “A new bitch in town.. lets POTTY!!!!”!!!! . And then the whole flock of ‘em come and poops all over your car. And some wait until you wash & wax your car real good to drop the load on it!!!!!!

I'm trying to figure out revenge on the little fuckers (hence that hunting trip!!). I'm thinking a bird-only-hearing-range car alarm - one that alternates meowing with ear-splitting beeps (maybe eBay will have one!!). I've had several near misses with birds and turkeys! - If it wouldn't wreck my car, and if I weren't such a damn bleeding-heart, I'd consider not missing next time..