Friday, September 3, 2010

Super Poopers!!

This post is a result of utter frustration (The reason..I will discuss below and Blogophobia). Perhaps your not familiar with the term "blogaphobia"... it's that feeling when you haven't posted for a while, so there's all this stress built up around whatever it is that you post next... so you continue not to post because you want "just" the right post... and then it's weeks later and you realize that you just have to post something lame and suck it up……..


Last year a friend of mine had invited me for a Duck hunting trip. Being an animal lover myself.. I had denied this lucrative but insanely outrageous mode of fun! …That was last year….
Just a few days back I called him up, and asked if he was planning the same this year! Unfortunately his sudden flair of wisdom denied me that pleasure of hunting birds ….which I so much wanted this year ☹ ….. JUST AS REVENGE!!!!!

READ ON ....

It all started on the day I got my shining new car and parked it with extra love and care in the designated parking in my apartment. The next morning… a beautiful day of summer … I went out to the parking and almost got a heart attack!! – “Fuck, no!!!!!!!!!!!!” . Bird crap covering the hood. Bird crap down the driver's side window. Bird crap down the passenger's side back window. And the piece de resistance- bird shit right in the middle of my rear window!!!!! All of this in just about 12 hours! What did these birds do, decide to play "Ring Around Souro’s Car"? Did he/she/they pause in between craps just to switch sides? Or maybe there were four of them shitting in unison - perhaps they'd been playing Musical Chairs!!!!! “Fucking flying creatures!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Whatever they were doing, it meant I had to spend half of the morning cleaning my car!

.. So that was the beginning!!! … The relentless attacks and destructive missiles…kept coming from nowhere!!! … I changed my parking spot from below a tree to an open spot … no results! And not only that- it seemed there were some birds trained by the Mossad… coz they made sure that they track me down even at my University parking lot and unleash their furious wrath and “heavy load” !!!
I had always thought that the birds are equal opportunity poopers. BUT I was amazed to find that all the cars surrounding mine were mostly left untouched!!.... If I were in Australia, I could have easily called it a racial attack!

Things have been going the same way for quite sometime…. Until the day before yesterday.. when “they” probably thought about Hitler’s “Final Solution!!”: I had just washed and waxed my car the day before. The next morning I went out and the first thing I discovered was something that looked nothing like bird poop!!!!!!! And at first I wondered if my car had been vandalized!! … My car wasn't just splattered by wayward poop released by a few passing scoundrels!!!!!!.... The entire hood was almost completely covered!! Although the back had a few splatters, it wasn't nearly as bad as the front. It looked like it was covered in vomit or something equally as disgusting!! And to add to that …… as disgusting as it sounds, the spots looked more like leftover chili that had been ground in a blender, with some black pepper and white mayonnaise and randomly splattered on my car!!

The more I thought about the spots on my car, the more I wondered if it had been vandalized. Even though I never went out of my way to examine bird poop, this didn't look like any bird droppings I'd ever seen!!! I hoped it was caused by birds and not an unhappy neighbor who didn't appreciate the blaring Iron Maiden Songs that emanated from my apartment the night before !!!!!!!!
So, I decided to examine the ground to figure out if the splatters I found on my car were bird crap or if my car had been actually vandalized. After investigating the crime scene and the surrounding area (which included the dumpster) I found the same splatters around the dumpster, on the top of the fence that surrounded it, and everywhere beneath the tree. I also noticed another tree of the same type on the other side of the complex, and I examined the ground in that area as well. It was also covered in droppings!! SO, was then .. I was sure that my car had not been vandalized - at least not by humans!! It had in fact been hit with hundreds of bird poop bombs. What a fucking relief!!!!!

Buddhists say things like Wise people know that everything they achieve or fail at in life are only consequences of their own actions and thoughts. But I disagree… I never tried to shit on a bird or throw shit balls at them!!! Somehow birds know when you get a new car. Then they tell their friends “A new bitch in town.. lets POTTY!!!!”!!!! . And then the whole flock of ‘em come and poops all over your car. And some wait until you wash & wax your car real good to drop the load on it!!!!!!

I'm trying to figure out revenge on the little fuckers (hence that hunting trip!!). I'm thinking a bird-only-hearing-range car alarm - one that alternates meowing with ear-splitting beeps (maybe eBay will have one!!). I've had several near misses with birds and turkeys! - If it wouldn't wreck my car, and if I weren't such a damn bleeding-heart, I'd consider not missing next time..